Is therapy a luxury, or is that fear talking? (Part 4: Fear of having your belief systems challenged)

This is the last post I will be writing in this series (for now!), and it touches on perhaps the most difficult part of any therapeutic experience: having your belief systems and, consequently, your identity challenged.

There is a quote from Professor Jordan Peterson, "the truth is something that burns, it burns off dead wood, and people don't like having their dead wood burnt off, often because they're 95% dead wood" which is quite a confronting and uncomfortable thing to consider. How much of ourselves is made up of pretence, and other people's voices, and persona, and expectations (both self- and other-imposed)…? What happens to us when our therapeutic experience brings us face-to-face with what we have been scared to admit to ourselves?

It's terrifying. 

Your belief systems have been forming across your lifespan, from childhood (yeah, yeah, stereotypical therapist here!), and are deeply integrated with your identity - who you believe you are, who you aspire to be, who you really are, etc. You are an extraordinarily complex mixture of all the ideas you have consciously assimilated into your mental structures, those you have unconsciously taken on board, and those you enact in society without entirely agreeing with. It’s extremely difficult to truly understand yourself or feel as though your beliefs, or identity, are completely coherent - even with deep personal reflection. 

The world is a scary place if you feel like you don’t know who you are. 

We often speak about changing belief systems in therapy as being positive - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), for example, is designed to help you change your 'negative' thought processes and behavioural responses, to help improve symptoms of mental illness. Although this is an effective method of improving mental wellbeing, it's also important to consider the 'side effects' of looking at these thoughts and behaviours. They do not occur in a vacuum; the thoughts and behaviours themselves are only one aspect of a neural network of beliefs about self, other, and world. If you ask yourself what is underneath them, you start to open up your very own Pandoras box, which you may or may not be prepared for. 

Although challenging your beliefs and identity is scary, it is not something to be avoided. It is important to remember that fear has a purpose - it tells you there is a threat. Therapy is a dialogue of reflective questioning; a space ‘held’ by someone you trust, in which you gradually strip away the dead wood by delving into parts of yourself that you never have before - things that affect what you believe and who you are. More often than not, this process is effective in enabling growth and strengthening identity, but there is a period between the start and ‘end’ (although, does growth ever end?) in which your sense of self is more fragile and you say, do, hear, and learn things that you may not like. 

The fear is just serving it's purpose - change is scary. The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't.

One effective way of quelling fear is to avoid it. Block your ears, close your eyes, and yell “LALALALA” until the thing that’s trying to get your attention goes away. Go to a pub or a club with your mates and drink until your brain can’t process basic language anymore. Work 80 hour weeks and drown your existential crises in deadlines and stress. Put your kids’ needs above your own, 24/7, and clean the house whenever you can’t do that to make sure you don’t have a moment to sit and think.

Now, drinking, working, and prioritising your kids are NOT ‘bad’ things to do, nor do they always indicate avoidance of something. However, they are all methods we use (yep, every one of us) to ‘mentally hibernate’ through difficult times or emotions. Using avoidance as a method of quelling this fear is self-reinforcing; it removes the fear, and becomes an ‘effective’ method of doing so in future - for threats that are both similar and dissimilar to the original. 

Unfortunately, the side effect of using this method is that the list of things you want/need to avoid grows and grows as fears build - unless you deal with the thing causing the internal alarm system to ring (fear’s purpose), the alarm system will get louder and louder. Suddenly you have no choice but to avoid the original issue, and all associated issues, because confronting them is like opening that cupboard in your house where you store all the stuff you’ll “organise later”… if you open the door a crack it will all fall down on you! This can affect your relationships and your life in ways that are very unpredictable. Who knows how generalised your fear will become?

The beauty of therapy is that you don’t do any of this alone. You open up Pandoras box (or the “need to organise” cupboard) somewhere that is safe, with someone you trust, who doesn’t judge you; they try to understand you and help you to find a better understanding of yourself that is not clouded by externally imposed voices or narratives. If that confuses you, think about that little voice in your head that doubts you - do you think that voice came from you, or was it internalised from somewhere else? (Further reading). From here, you shed the dead wood and emerge stronger, with greater self-understanding, coping mechanisms, self-efficacy (your belief in whether you can do something), and resilience. 

Just because something is scary doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

Therapy is scary - it’s hard to prioritise, difficult to schedule into a busy life, you might be scared of failure, you might be scared of your own success, or you might be scared of shedding the deadwood, your beliefs, and your identity (your security blanket!). But here are some questions for you… 

If you came out the other end having grown, would it be worth it?

What is your mental health worth to you?

Do you deserve to be happy?

Do you deserve to find meaning and purpose in life?

How would your life change if you could improve your communication and relationships?

… I don’t expect answers to these questions, nor should you have to give them in a public forum. I do believe it’s important to consider them - and if these things aren’t worth it, or you don’t want change, be honest about what you do and don’t want to prioritise. Therapy is only a luxury if you’re putting your mental health lower on the priority list than other things - and that’s ok!!! Its your life - prioritise whatever you want, in whatever order you choose! For the sake of minimising your internal conflict, however, be honest with yourself about those priorities.