Do you give people permission to change?

Who do you want to see make changes? We focus strongly on why we want them to change, and how they could be better… but what do we do to help them change? Obviously there are many ways we can both help and hinder them, and the one I will discuss here is whether we give them permission to change.

…But if I WANT them to change, surely I’m giving them permission to?

Not necessarily. Let’s talk about what change means: it means undoing ‘programming’ (for want of a better word) that has been developed and added to across your lifespan. That means some of the ideas and beliefs you hold may be years, or decades, old (read: very ingrained). Human ‘programming’ cannot just be forgotten or rewritten without significant trauma - and I can’t condone giving someone severe amnesia! 

Changing habits, behaviours, or even beliefs takes a long time and the journey involves failures, sometimes really epic ones. 

So, whomever you want to change will fail. Sometimes really badly. Regardless of their motivational level or desire, there will come a time when their ‘mental cup’ is full and they’ll revert back to an old habit or behaviour. 

Imagine you’re bushwalking and decide to create your own path: initially you’ve got strength to cut through branches and push through the terrain, but then you get hungry or tired or stressed and notice the original path again. Chances are, you’ll step onto that path because it lightens your load at that moment. You may not even think about it; your body might just do it outside of your awareness, and you only become aware of it later. Even if you resist for a while, your base desire to remove excess tension will eventually lead you back onto the path of least resistance.

(For more explanation of the ‘mental cup’ see here)

When you want someone to change you’ll have to suffer through failures where the person reverts back to doing the thing they're trying to change. It can be very frustrating, especially when you think the worst is behind you and you’re moving forward in the way you want to. It’s also frustrating because the reversion often happens when other stresses are very high, because thats when we need to lighten our mental load and forgo new habits. This means the failure is often compounded by other issues. 

It’s very easy in those circumstances to believe that ‘people don’t change’. The reality is that people don’t change quickly. Change takes time; new habits need time to become automatic. Change is more of a progression than an achievement - despite the fact that you’ll eventually achieve it, you’ll always have to work to maintain it. The good news is that, over time, you’ll have to work less. 

If you throw in the towel when these failures happen, you aren't giving someone permission to change because they don't have permission to fail - either hugely or ‘one step forward, two steps back’. 

If change has to be 100% perfection, 100% of the time, none of us can ever really change, can we?

It’s easy to be impatient, especially if you’ve been wanting something for a long time. Unfortunately, impatience and irritability can lead to criticism when someone does fail on the road to change - which only serves to reinforce the idea that it’s hopeless, they’ll never be good enough, and the journey ahead is too hard. So why not just give up?

(Those thought patterns reflect Beck's cognitive triad, often found in sufferers of depression - "I am bad, at everything, and nothing will ever change)

Therefore, it’s important to recognise and congratulate people when change happens. 

We often don’t notice (or express) when people do what we want them to do, but we commonly make note of when they do what we don’t want them to do.... People rarely tell you when you’re doing a good job, but you always know when you’ve done a bad one! This is why practicing gratitude is so healing - it orients our perception to what other people have done (i.e. the changes they have made; when they are improving) and encourages us to praise them for it. Positive reinforcement bolsters people on their journey, strengthens the formation of new habits, and reduces instances of failure.

All that being said, be aware of where your line is - how much you are willing to forgive and how much failure you are willing to accept. 

Be mindful of whether failures are unintentional bumps in the road or indicative of a larger pattern of paying lip service without genuine attempts at change. Unfortunately there are a small percentage of people who take advantage of others’ continued forgiveness, so giving permission to change can lead to increased victimhood with people who are not committed to self-improvement (I am not saying that such people are incapable of improvement, but it can be a longer-than-average road). 

I certainly am not advocating giving someone permission to change if they appear to take advantage of your forgiveness. 

This also applies to YOU. You must give yourself permission to change. When you fail on the journey to your goal, be compassionate with yourself and allow those moments of imperfection to teach you something. What went wrong? How can you avoid it in future? How can you make reparations? What's your next step to get closer to your goal?

Punishing yourself with disparaging thoughts is going to hold you back, not motivate you. 

Be kind; both to yourself and others. We all need to be given a bit of slack now and then.

Sophie Gray

Think Gray Psychotherapy

sophie.gray@thinkgray.com