Thinking Gray

Chaos and Order are nature's fundamental balancing act. If you've ever seen the yin/yang symbol, you'll be familiar with the idea that Chaos and Order exist as intertwined elements, with a little of each in the other. Chaos is never free of Order, and Order is never free of Chaos.  For the sake of clarity, let's define terms. Chaos is unpredictable - you're in chaos when you don’t know what's coming or what to expect, in situations you haven't encountered. Order is predictability - you know what will happen, what to expect, and there's certainty within your world. Broadly speaking, people tend to prefer Order (or it may be better to say that we fear Chaos), because we enjoy being able to predict our lives, other people's actions, and the causal relationships in the world around us. Human beings are evolutionarily geared toward creating ( imposing ) order in their world. We categorise everything - even without realising it - and...

If you look back over old editions of Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, Dolly Magazine (‘90s teens unite!) you’ll notice they all feature articles with the latest hints, tips, and tricks to “ lose weight (and keep it off!) ”, “ love yourself ”, “ tone your butt/abs/thighs/arms ”, or “ live your best life! ”. If these quick fixes worked, surely these articles would now be redundant ? Well, they’re still out in force - especially since the internet has made “ 10 easy ways to be happy - and stay that way! ” free and accessible to everyone - so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that simply knowing hints, tips, and tricks isn’t the answer. When you want change, information isn’t enough. Whether your goal is about fitness, mental health, or even your career, it takes more than a few quick tips to change. Why is knowing not enough?  Well, we all know smoking causes lung cancer, but people still smoke. That’s one example of many I could call upon where we know something and...

If you don’t already know how I feel about the word * should *, let me enlighten you: I hate it. It sets the stage for so much criticism , as though there is only one way for life to be lived. Life is a collection of consequences we deem suitable, not something that can be boiled down to a formula of what we * should * do.   So when I thought, “ I wish people would be less judgemental ” my next thought was, “ we *should* stop making judgements ”. Luckily my internal * should * alarm went off and I pulled myself up on it to ask, “ why *should* we? ”. (Hopefully the excessive repetition is also making you hate the word *should* - yes, I have an agenda!) So, why would you want to stop making judgements? Because it’s mean ? Because they can be unfounded ? Because they lead to stereotypes and prejudice ?  All valid reasons. Unfortunately, none of these reasons overwrite our natural tendency to internally categorise the world (judge), nor is it necessar...

I've been having a few conversations this week about what people * should * do in what can only be described as terrible situations. Grief, loss, stress, life upheavals... things that make us go "AAAARRGHHHHH". There's a whole host of ideas about what we *should* do and how we *should* behave and we tend to dole that advice out to ourselves quite regularly, even if we don't do it to other people. (Advance apologies for the length of this blog. I appreciate you choosing to give your time to read it.) I really dislike the word *should*. We need it because it describes appropriate behaviour, without which society would be much less organised and wouldn't really function. Imagine yourself in any social situation with a young child (or a dog) who doesn't understand what they should do - imagine the chaos of trying to explain the social and behavioural boundaries to the child, or dog. These things we take for granted are implicit rules we have learne...

In the wake of the Jordan Peterson interview on UK's Channel 4 news, it became obvious that the distinction between listening and hearing needs to be addressed, especially where emotional political issues are concerned. There were multiple instances in which the interviewer (Cathy Newman) asks, "so what you mean is..." and made a statement that was in no way, shape, or form what Dr. Peterson had said. It's so funny, it's meme-worthy . Watch the full interview if you're interested; I'm not particularly keen on dissecting it in great depth because that's been done all over the internet already! On a more personal level, this sort of misunderstanding occurs on a daily basis with friends, partners, colleagues, etc. Just last week, this happened: My partner said to my friend: "it's interesting, as you get older you become more conservative" My friend: "not me!" and seemed slightly offended I laughed: "Jane, what di...

This seems to be something people struggle with on a daily basis - how do I stop feeling sad? how do I stop feeling anxious? how do I feel happier? As with everything in life, the answer is both simple and complex . You are more in control of your emotions than you think, but it's more complicated than flicking a light switch and ta-da!  altering how you feel. (yep, if only it could be like Vampire Diaries where we could just turn our 'humanity switch' off... now you know my secret guilty pleasure, don't judge) This post, however, is about something slightly different; it's not about how to control your emotions, or how to stop them happening, it's about how to solve the 'problems' they cause. By ' problems ' I mean the discomfort you feel when you're in the throes of sadness, resentment, anger, frustration, guilt... We have labelled these emotions as 'negative' (read: 'bad') and we are uncomfortable when we feel ...

Perfectionism is a mindset . Perfection is an outcome . Simple. (Does this mean I'll finally write something short and concise?... You can always hope!) ...So what's the point of this blog? Well, I once had someone say to me, "I can't be a perfectionist, nothing I do is perfect!" after telling me how worried they were about a bazillion things they felt they couldn't do to a perfect standard. See the problem ? If you confuse the mindset with the outcome, you misrepresent the issue and end up trying to find a solution to a different problem. (Huh?) If you believe that the mindset of perfectionism only describes people who achieve perfect outcomes, you don't see yourself as a " perfectionist ". Instead, you focus your anxiety on your ability to do things (and engage in harsh self-judgement as a result). E.g. "I can't do things perfectly, so I cannot be a perfectionist... the problem is that I just can't [do X] as well...