Thinking Gray

My husband said this to me, after I said to him, " I just feel like I'm so big! " He told me, " but you ARE big… you're a BIG girl! " What. The. Actual. F. Who responds like that? I'm a BIG girl? Crushing . My soul died a bit. He's also described me as " chunky " " thick " " fat " (no, babe, the good kind)… which, to him, is an assessment of my attractiveness… to me, it's a disturbing list of attributes I'm terrified of. Before we go any further, I need to make it clear that my partner  loves  my body; he wouldn't want me to look any other way. This blog is about how  I  feel about this assessment, and how his honesty drove me to reflect and articulate my beliefs about what being "big" means to me.  Background about me: I'm approximately 173cm (5'9") tall. That’s above average for women… in fact, it's the average height of men. I weigh between 6...

Self-love is a construct - it's an abstract idea that doesn't exist in the material world. It is defined however we want to define it. That means it has a lot of definitions that vary based on the context and people who use it.   I asked people on social media how they defined 'self-love' and the answers had a common theme - connection to the self , and doing the ' right thing ' by yourself instead of what you are expected to do or what others want you to do. People also mentioned self-care activities , like massages and taking 'time out' for things you enjoy doing. Popular opinion would suggest that self-love seems is acting in a way that regenerates your energy, and aligns with your values.   According to Psychology Today , "self-love" is a "state of appreciation for oneself that  grows from actions  that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth". It is "dynamic", or consistently changing, as opp...

If you look back over old editions of Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, Dolly Magazine (‘90s teens unite!) you’ll notice they all feature articles with the latest hints, tips, and tricks to “ lose weight (and keep it off!) ”, “ love yourself ”, “ tone your butt/abs/thighs/arms ”, or “ live your best life! ”. If these quick fixes worked, surely these articles would now be redundant ? Well, they’re still out in force - especially since the internet has made “ 10 easy ways to be happy - and stay that way! ” free and accessible to everyone - so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that simply knowing hints, tips, and tricks isn’t the answer. When you want change, information isn’t enough. Whether your goal is about fitness, mental health, or even your career, it takes more than a few quick tips to change. Why is knowing not enough?  Well, we all know smoking causes lung cancer, but people still smoke. That’s one example of many I could call upon where we know something and...

 “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” I’ve been thinking about trust this week. Like most people, I’ve lost trust in relationships, so I pre-empt this blog by saying I am speaking from experience. I get it. Why do I need to do that? Because what I have to say may not be taken well by those in the throes of wondering how they’ll ever regain trust. I certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed it.  The first thing we need to consider is whether or not trust is spontaneous . Does it ‘just happen’?  I don’t think so.  I think trust is one of those things we think ‘just happens’, but the reality is that it is chosen , or cultivated . We make a choice to trust (or not trust) people. We trust the strangers around us not to attack us, we trust Uber drivers to drive safely, we trust our friends to be kind, we trust our partners to be faithful… we may not be consciously aware of these choices, but every time we step out into the world among other p...

If you don’t already know how I feel about the word * should *, let me enlighten you: I hate it. It sets the stage for so much criticism , as though there is only one way for life to be lived. Life is a collection of consequences we deem suitable, not something that can be boiled down to a formula of what we * should * do.   So when I thought, “ I wish people would be less judgemental ” my next thought was, “ we *should* stop making judgements ”. Luckily my internal * should * alarm went off and I pulled myself up on it to ask, “ why *should* we? ”. (Hopefully the excessive repetition is also making you hate the word *should* - yes, I have an agenda!) So, why would you want to stop making judgements? Because it’s mean ? Because they can be unfounded ? Because they lead to stereotypes and prejudice ?  All valid reasons. Unfortunately, none of these reasons overwrite our natural tendency to internally categorise the world (judge), nor is it necessar...