Self-Care and Social Media
We’ve heard about the negative influence social media has on mental health because of how unrealistically life is portrayed; everyone puts their best foot forward when the world is watching. If you’ve reflected on the effect social media has on your mental state, I’m sure you’ve noticed the difference between days when you’ve been ‘unplugged’ vs. days when you’ve been ‘plugged in’. A few months ago when my phone broke and I was unplugged for 3 days, it was incredibly refreshing - I was more present with my kids, I enjoyed my TV shows more, I got more work done (both work-work and house-work)…
So what gives? Why don’t I actively choose this technological removal if it helps my sanity and productivity?
Even now, as I’m writing this blog, I picked up my phone and started scrolling… for no reason!!
I told myself it was about work; I need my phone and social media for work, so I can’t just disconnect from the world. I then told myself it was about family and friends overseas, because Facebook and Instagram photos are the quickest ways to connect to them all.
These things are true, but they’re also rationalisations. The underlying truth is that my phone is a form of escape - I am transported away from my real world into a bunch of other ‘real’ worlds. Sort of like reading a book, except instead of following the story I’m seeing snippets and making assumptions to fill in the gaps.
(Reading a book also gives you the chance to learn about the world from a character’s perspective and often learn life lessons… social media snippets rarely allow you to delve deep enough into people’s worlds to understand them, or learn an enduring life lesson… even when the poster is honest and authentic)
I read an article aaaages ago that bit back at the judgement mothers receive when they're on their phones when they're with their kids. The writer suggested that mothers used their phones as a momentary escape from the chaos of life with kids. This resonated with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, or didn’t want to play with them, or wasn’t interested in teaching them things; it was because, in that moment, I’d had enough and needed brain space. It was a way of not being mindful of every single thing that everyone else needed.
(To all the people that aren’t mothers, trust me, this blog will also be relatable to you too, I promise!)
I applied this insight when I was with my kids and tried to minimise phone use while they were around. I took my escapes in other ways that they seemed to be less reactive to (less tantrums). I would read a book snuggled next to my kids watching Paw Patrol, or I’d do the washing up or vacuuming (yes, that can feel like a holiday!). Getting off my phone helped me be more present, more mindful of my mental state, more productive, and improved the relationship I have with my kids.
But what about me?
Seriously. What about me?
What about the times when they go to bed and I’m on my phone for 30 minutes?
(Or, what about the times when you’ve come home from work and spent 30 minutes scrolling?)
What about when I wake up in the morning and spend another 30 minutes scrolling?
What about the frustration I feel when I can't get a second to relax, but then when relaxation time comes I spend the majority of it on my phone?
I can see the idiocy. I can feel how it impacts my mental health. Yet, when it comes to my own self-care, I am not as vigilant at forcing phone-free time.
I have this burning desire to relax and read my book (seriously, I’m reading a series right now I cannot put down - Val McDermid’s Carol Jordan & Tony Hill novels; psychological profiling and grizzly crime, you’re welcome) but in the rare moments that I get space and time to do that, I will (at a minimum) intermittently check my phone. I’m not even sure what I want, or why I’m doing it. Part of it is obviously the desire to see who ‘likes’ my stuff, especially when I’ve put up a post on my business page; part of it is to create different content for advertising; part of it is to see if I have any new enquiries about psychotherapy… it’s mostly geared toward validation in these moments.
As a (very) small business, I’m not getting hundreds of ‘likes’ per photo, or enquiries every day. That was my purpose; I want my business to be small because it suits my life context. Unfortunately, when I put myself on social media, I forget my purpose and allow myself to succumb to the “more, more, more” mentality… which is quickly followed by the “failure, failure, failure” mentality if I don’t get the “more”.
So what can we do?
Honestly, I dislike articles that proclaim, “you should do these 5 things to be happier!” so I’m not going to tell you what you should do. I’m going to tell you how I’m choosing to combat the problem, and you can see if that works for you. If it doesn’t, let’s figure out what does!
1) Scheduling social media time to achieve a particular purpose
For me, this is about putting aside X minutes at Y time to ‘do’ social media (and sticking to it - the eternal issue!). I’ll figure out when I’m going to do my advertising and when I’m going to post my photos, and if I do a spontaneous Instagram story I will put my phone away immediately afterward. I don’t have a full-blown calendar; I just mindfully consider it in the morning, depending on what I’m doing that day. That way, I know I have set time aside, so I don’t get worried I’ll forget and use that as an excuse to spend extra time on social media.
It’s also important for me to keep up with my close friends (as we all have conflicting schedules), so I do schedule some scrolling time where I can watch their stories, send them messages, and retain that connection to them, even when we can’t fit a face-to-face or phone call in. When that time is up, I will put my phone away (in another room, or another area of the same room) so I can refocus on whatever is in front of me.
2) Asking myself, “is there a reason I’m doing this?”
If I do get caught in the trap of mindless scrolling, I will think about the reason I’m scrolling. What got me started? Why am I continuing? What do I want to achieve? Is this helping me? … Introspective questions bring me back to my purpose and allow me to make decisions that help me achieve what I want. It’s about interrupting the mindlessness of scrolling and mindfully considering whether I’m helping or hindering myself. I won’t always make a helpful decision (sometimes I’ll tell my inner purpose voice to F-off) but more often than not this process stops me hindering myself!
3) If there is an escapist/validation reason, can I do something else to achieve it?
I want to find alternative ways of meeting these needs. Escape can be achieved by doing domestic tasks - often mentally easy, they allow me to feel productive as well as stop me getting on my phone. Reading also helps me escape my world. I can also ring a friend and take my mind off what’s happening around me. When I scroll to avoid the boredom of being at the park with my kids (no, I’m not a bad mum, it can get boring), I can escape this boredom by actively trying to be present and involved with their play. It still doesn’t entertain me a lot, but I’m not just sitting down watching.
If I want validation (seeing if people have responded to my ads, or sent messages, or emails, etc.) I can take stock of what I have achieved (e.g. looking back over client notes or my diary for the week), as well as engaging in something that will build my reputation or business, such as designing workshops, writing blogs, or connecting with possible referral sources. Or, I could text my cheer squad and let their praise soothe my ego! (only half joking)
4) Be my own best friend - no one else will make me use my time effectively
This is where I fall down often. I am the only one that can use my time effectively, so the most helpful thing for me is to make a deliberate choice to do so. At the core of it all, I must hold myself accountable for my choices and, if I want something, I must choose steps that get me closer to it. There’s no use complaining about it if I’m not going to make the choices to change it.
So, if mindless scrolling on social media is affecting your ability to self-care, what steps will you take to help you break the habit and improve your mental health?
So what gives? Why don’t I actively choose this technological removal if it helps my sanity and productivity?
Even now, as I’m writing this blog, I picked up my phone and started scrolling… for no reason!!
I told myself it was about work; I need my phone and social media for work, so I can’t just disconnect from the world. I then told myself it was about family and friends overseas, because Facebook and Instagram photos are the quickest ways to connect to them all.
These things are true, but they’re also rationalisations. The underlying truth is that my phone is a form of escape - I am transported away from my real world into a bunch of other ‘real’ worlds. Sort of like reading a book, except instead of following the story I’m seeing snippets and making assumptions to fill in the gaps.
(Reading a book also gives you the chance to learn about the world from a character’s perspective and often learn life lessons… social media snippets rarely allow you to delve deep enough into people’s worlds to understand them, or learn an enduring life lesson… even when the poster is honest and authentic)
I read an article aaaages ago that bit back at the judgement mothers receive when they're on their phones when they're with their kids. The writer suggested that mothers used their phones as a momentary escape from the chaos of life with kids. This resonated with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, or didn’t want to play with them, or wasn’t interested in teaching them things; it was because, in that moment, I’d had enough and needed brain space. It was a way of not being mindful of every single thing that everyone else needed.
(To all the people that aren’t mothers, trust me, this blog will also be relatable to you too, I promise!)
I applied this insight when I was with my kids and tried to minimise phone use while they were around. I took my escapes in other ways that they seemed to be less reactive to (less tantrums). I would read a book snuggled next to my kids watching Paw Patrol, or I’d do the washing up or vacuuming (yes, that can feel like a holiday!). Getting off my phone helped me be more present, more mindful of my mental state, more productive, and improved the relationship I have with my kids.
But what about me?
Seriously. What about me?
What about the times when they go to bed and I’m on my phone for 30 minutes?
(Or, what about the times when you’ve come home from work and spent 30 minutes scrolling?)
What about when I wake up in the morning and spend another 30 minutes scrolling?
What about the frustration I feel when I can't get a second to relax, but then when relaxation time comes I spend the majority of it on my phone?
I can see the idiocy. I can feel how it impacts my mental health. Yet, when it comes to my own self-care, I am not as vigilant at forcing phone-free time.
I have this burning desire to relax and read my book (seriously, I’m reading a series right now I cannot put down - Val McDermid’s Carol Jordan & Tony Hill novels; psychological profiling and grizzly crime, you’re welcome) but in the rare moments that I get space and time to do that, I will (at a minimum) intermittently check my phone. I’m not even sure what I want, or why I’m doing it. Part of it is obviously the desire to see who ‘likes’ my stuff, especially when I’ve put up a post on my business page; part of it is to create different content for advertising; part of it is to see if I have any new enquiries about psychotherapy… it’s mostly geared toward validation in these moments.
As a (very) small business, I’m not getting hundreds of ‘likes’ per photo, or enquiries every day. That was my purpose; I want my business to be small because it suits my life context. Unfortunately, when I put myself on social media, I forget my purpose and allow myself to succumb to the “more, more, more” mentality… which is quickly followed by the “failure, failure, failure” mentality if I don’t get the “more”.
So what can we do?
Honestly, I dislike articles that proclaim, “you should do these 5 things to be happier!” so I’m not going to tell you what you should do. I’m going to tell you how I’m choosing to combat the problem, and you can see if that works for you. If it doesn’t, let’s figure out what does!
1) Scheduling social media time to achieve a particular purpose
For me, this is about putting aside X minutes at Y time to ‘do’ social media (and sticking to it - the eternal issue!). I’ll figure out when I’m going to do my advertising and when I’m going to post my photos, and if I do a spontaneous Instagram story I will put my phone away immediately afterward. I don’t have a full-blown calendar; I just mindfully consider it in the morning, depending on what I’m doing that day. That way, I know I have set time aside, so I don’t get worried I’ll forget and use that as an excuse to spend extra time on social media.
It’s also important for me to keep up with my close friends (as we all have conflicting schedules), so I do schedule some scrolling time where I can watch their stories, send them messages, and retain that connection to them, even when we can’t fit a face-to-face or phone call in. When that time is up, I will put my phone away (in another room, or another area of the same room) so I can refocus on whatever is in front of me.
2) Asking myself, “is there a reason I’m doing this?”
If I do get caught in the trap of mindless scrolling, I will think about the reason I’m scrolling. What got me started? Why am I continuing? What do I want to achieve? Is this helping me? … Introspective questions bring me back to my purpose and allow me to make decisions that help me achieve what I want. It’s about interrupting the mindlessness of scrolling and mindfully considering whether I’m helping or hindering myself. I won’t always make a helpful decision (sometimes I’ll tell my inner purpose voice to F-off) but more often than not this process stops me hindering myself!
3) If there is an escapist/validation reason, can I do something else to achieve it?
I want to find alternative ways of meeting these needs. Escape can be achieved by doing domestic tasks - often mentally easy, they allow me to feel productive as well as stop me getting on my phone. Reading also helps me escape my world. I can also ring a friend and take my mind off what’s happening around me. When I scroll to avoid the boredom of being at the park with my kids (no, I’m not a bad mum, it can get boring), I can escape this boredom by actively trying to be present and involved with their play. It still doesn’t entertain me a lot, but I’m not just sitting down watching.
If I want validation (seeing if people have responded to my ads, or sent messages, or emails, etc.) I can take stock of what I have achieved (e.g. looking back over client notes or my diary for the week), as well as engaging in something that will build my reputation or business, such as designing workshops, writing blogs, or connecting with possible referral sources. Or, I could text my cheer squad and let their praise soothe my ego! (only half joking)
4) Be my own best friend - no one else will make me use my time effectively
This is where I fall down often. I am the only one that can use my time effectively, so the most helpful thing for me is to make a deliberate choice to do so. At the core of it all, I must hold myself accountable for my choices and, if I want something, I must choose steps that get me closer to it. There’s no use complaining about it if I’m not going to make the choices to change it.
So, if mindless scrolling on social media is affecting your ability to self-care, what steps will you take to help you break the habit and improve your mental health?
Sophie Gray
Think Gray Psychotherapy
www.thinkgray.com
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
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