Selfishness, neuroticism, and other "bad" traits (Part 3)
Part 2 of this series reflected on the consequences of avoiding the so-called 'bad' traits about ourselves... see here if you want a refresher.
As with all things psychological, some of the ideas will resonate with you and others won't. Why? Because what you have experienced is not the same as other people. So, you might feel that this series isn't relevant to you because you feel like you've accepted your 'bad' parts and don't avoid them. However, I encourage you to read on because this section will challenge the idea of acceptance by asking, 'what does true acceptance look like?'. You may find that what you think of as acceptance may actually be more of a protective armour.
(This post comes from a few different conversations, observations, and contemplations I've had, and I'm doing my best to articulate the idea succinctly. Always ask questions if I say something you find to be unclear, please!)
Let's jump right in to Question 3: If you do engage with the 'bad' things about you, do you truly accept them, or just weaponise them?
What does 'acceptance' mean to you? I'm not talking about the dictionary definition, I'm talking about what assumptions you make about something when you think "I accept that". It's important to understand your own perceptions because those influence your reality; what you take for granted is really just a perception you've developed from your experiences, not true fact. Other people won't make the exact same assumption or share the exact understanding you do.
So, when you think about accepting 'bad' parts of yourself, what does that mean? Do you shout it from the rooftops? ("Hey everyone, I'm selfish!")... Do you know it's there, but try and hide it or justify it? ("I can see how you might have thought that was selfish, but I really needed to do that for me, can you understand that?")... Do you know you have those tendencies but only in certain situations? ("I'm only neurotic when my mum is around")... Do you pre-emptively tell new friends so they know what to expect? ("Hey, so I can be a bit neurotic, just FYI")... How do you define acceptance of your 'bad' traits?
The interesting thing about knowledge is that you can know an idea is valid, you can know what someone's opinion of you is, you can know that something exists... but acceptance is not a requirement for this knowledge. We often assume that these concepts are equivalent, but "knowing" is not spelt "A-C-C-E-P-T-I-N-G". That's why it's important to examine what you define as acceptance, because you can know that you have a 'bad' trait, but that doesn't mean you accept that trait as part of you.
(Yep, I know this sounds like I'm splitting hairs and being deliberately annoying, but I promise you there's utility in this. It comes down to making conscious choices about your behaviour or being unconsciously driven by avoidance desires)
There are a few difficulties with knowing things about ourselves without accepting them, but in an attempt to be succinct I will focus on the tendency to weaponise these 'bad' traits or use them as a shield.
Let's take neuroticism as an example - including all the automatic negative assumptions our brains just made about people high on this trait. Let's say I know I am neurotic (I do, and I am), but I haven't accepted it, and I don't want other people to figure it out or use it against me. So I weaponise it to protect myself. I shield myself from accusations of neuroticism from others by openly proclaiming that I am neurotic and discussing the contexts in which it worsens. I launch an attack on myself by making fun of my neurotic tendencies and all the ways they get me into trouble in my relationships. This behaviour serves a purpose; I stay 'safe' from judgement because you can't say anything about me that I haven't already thought or said about myself. As someone else put it, "I'll stab myself before they can stab me"
(should clarify; they weren't talking about actually stabbing themselves)
Pre-empting an attack by advertising my neuroticism reinforces a belief that this trait is 'bad', and therefore I am 'bad' and 'should' be different/better. My identity is marred by this 'negativity' instead of being balanced by an acceptance that 'bad' traits are ok and useful (see Part 1). This may lead to my behaviour being motivated unconsciously; to protect myself from being "neurotic" I behave defensively without thinking it over (weaponise, use as a shield, do the exact opposite of what I want to do...) and may feel at the mercy of the world, exhausted due to the exertion of all this inner conflict, or depressed from the ongoing self-loathing that I'm not all 'good'. There are so many unfortunate outcomes, what resonates with you?
(Remember, not everyone who openly talks about their negative traits is shielding themselves or pre-empting an attack. It depends on the context and what's underneath motivating the behaviour)
One idea I really want you to focus on is this: Accepting that you have a 'bad' trait does not mean you have to engage in the behaviours that go with it. If you accept you're selfish, it doesn't mean you have to consider your own needs and wants before everyone else's 24/7. The beauty of true acceptance is that you gain a choice; you free yourself from behaving defensively or being motivated by avoiding being what you 'shouldn't' be. You can choose to use this trait or not, depending on the context, because you can notice when your instinct is to be selfish and question it: You ask, "do I really want to behave like this?" (sense of autonomy) instead of, "I shouldn't do that, that's bad, I should do X instead" (sense of being forced into something). What's more, you gain a more balanced identity, which can help you think and feel happier with who you are, instead of consistently trying to fight the 'bad' parts and pre-emptively attack yourself.
This one was pretty long, so take some time to digest it. If you have time, come back to it. Most importantly, try and apply it to your life - be mindful of what happens when you are confronted with your 'bad' traits. Noticing is the first step.
As with all things psychological, some of the ideas will resonate with you and others won't. Why? Because what you have experienced is not the same as other people. So, you might feel that this series isn't relevant to you because you feel like you've accepted your 'bad' parts and don't avoid them. However, I encourage you to read on because this section will challenge the idea of acceptance by asking, 'what does true acceptance look like?'. You may find that what you think of as acceptance may actually be more of a protective armour.
(This post comes from a few different conversations, observations, and contemplations I've had, and I'm doing my best to articulate the idea succinctly. Always ask questions if I say something you find to be unclear, please!)
Let's jump right in to Question 3: If you do engage with the 'bad' things about you, do you truly accept them, or just weaponise them?
What does 'acceptance' mean to you? I'm not talking about the dictionary definition, I'm talking about what assumptions you make about something when you think "I accept that". It's important to understand your own perceptions because those influence your reality; what you take for granted is really just a perception you've developed from your experiences, not true fact. Other people won't make the exact same assumption or share the exact understanding you do.
So, when you think about accepting 'bad' parts of yourself, what does that mean? Do you shout it from the rooftops? ("Hey everyone, I'm selfish!")... Do you know it's there, but try and hide it or justify it? ("I can see how you might have thought that was selfish, but I really needed to do that for me, can you understand that?")... Do you know you have those tendencies but only in certain situations? ("I'm only neurotic when my mum is around")... Do you pre-emptively tell new friends so they know what to expect? ("Hey, so I can be a bit neurotic, just FYI")... How do you define acceptance of your 'bad' traits?
The interesting thing about knowledge is that you can know an idea is valid, you can know what someone's opinion of you is, you can know that something exists... but acceptance is not a requirement for this knowledge. We often assume that these concepts are equivalent, but "knowing" is not spelt "A-C-C-E-P-T-I-N-G". That's why it's important to examine what you define as acceptance, because you can know that you have a 'bad' trait, but that doesn't mean you accept that trait as part of you.
(Yep, I know this sounds like I'm splitting hairs and being deliberately annoying, but I promise you there's utility in this. It comes down to making conscious choices about your behaviour or being unconsciously driven by avoidance desires)
There are a few difficulties with knowing things about ourselves without accepting them, but in an attempt to be succinct I will focus on the tendency to weaponise these 'bad' traits or use them as a shield.
Let's take neuroticism as an example - including all the automatic negative assumptions our brains just made about people high on this trait. Let's say I know I am neurotic (I do, and I am), but I haven't accepted it, and I don't want other people to figure it out or use it against me. So I weaponise it to protect myself. I shield myself from accusations of neuroticism from others by openly proclaiming that I am neurotic and discussing the contexts in which it worsens. I launch an attack on myself by making fun of my neurotic tendencies and all the ways they get me into trouble in my relationships. This behaviour serves a purpose; I stay 'safe' from judgement because you can't say anything about me that I haven't already thought or said about myself. As someone else put it, "I'll stab myself before they can stab me"
(should clarify; they weren't talking about actually stabbing themselves)
Pre-empting an attack by advertising my neuroticism reinforces a belief that this trait is 'bad', and therefore I am 'bad' and 'should' be different/better. My identity is marred by this 'negativity' instead of being balanced by an acceptance that 'bad' traits are ok and useful (see Part 1). This may lead to my behaviour being motivated unconsciously; to protect myself from being "neurotic" I behave defensively without thinking it over (weaponise, use as a shield, do the exact opposite of what I want to do...) and may feel at the mercy of the world, exhausted due to the exertion of all this inner conflict, or depressed from the ongoing self-loathing that I'm not all 'good'. There are so many unfortunate outcomes, what resonates with you?
(Remember, not everyone who openly talks about their negative traits is shielding themselves or pre-empting an attack. It depends on the context and what's underneath motivating the behaviour)
One idea I really want you to focus on is this: Accepting that you have a 'bad' trait does not mean you have to engage in the behaviours that go with it. If you accept you're selfish, it doesn't mean you have to consider your own needs and wants before everyone else's 24/7. The beauty of true acceptance is that you gain a choice; you free yourself from behaving defensively or being motivated by avoiding being what you 'shouldn't' be. You can choose to use this trait or not, depending on the context, because you can notice when your instinct is to be selfish and question it: You ask, "do I really want to behave like this?" (sense of autonomy) instead of, "I shouldn't do that, that's bad, I should do X instead" (sense of being forced into something). What's more, you gain a more balanced identity, which can help you think and feel happier with who you are, instead of consistently trying to fight the 'bad' parts and pre-emptively attack yourself.
This one was pretty long, so take some time to digest it. If you have time, come back to it. Most importantly, try and apply it to your life - be mindful of what happens when you are confronted with your 'bad' traits. Noticing is the first step.
Sophie Gray
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
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