What if someone's judgement of you is RIGHT?!
I left off my last post by saying that it's really scary if you feel like the judgement from your internalised narrative (the 'other' voice) has merit; after all, who wants to admit there's something bad about themselves?! I certainly don't. Ask my partner: I'm still working on saying sorry when I'm *gasp* not entirely, technically, in the right (half joking)... He's pretty content with a mumble and a hug but I can't imagine I'll get away with that forever. Sooner or later I'll have to accept the fact that I'm not always the best version of myself. So, this is a post for everyone who laughed at my 'funny because its true' issue... for everyone who thinks other people just 'let go' of judgement and brush it off like it's a piece of lint on clothing.
I probably will say things that will challenge you (I know because they challenge me too), but I hope that you can trust I'm not trying to hurt you and that I've been on the same journey. I'm not up here doling out advice without having confronted (and continuing to confront) my own 'stuff'. If you pay attention to your reactions to these ideas, they'll give you a lot of information about yourself; if you can use that information to create a more positive mental life for yourself, brilliant!
So, back to the title:
What if someone's judgement of you is RIGHT?!
(send help!)
It's all well and good to suggest that we just shouldn't judge each other (which I agree with). One day, hopefully, we'll have developed enough as a society that this is the case. The unfortunate thing about focusing on the 'other' is that it's not useful for us; much as we'd like to, we cannot control other people's behaviour, so we can't actually stop people from making judgements of us. Attempting to stop that is as useless as pushing sh*t uphill. Also, gossip and social judgement evolved to transmit information about people who could potentially hurt or help us, so it has its roots in keeping us safe.
(I'm not saying that gossip itself is a good thing, I'm saying it has a use/purpose. I try to focus on whether things are useful, not whether they're 'good' or 'bad' because that is not *usually* relevant. Get in touch with me if you want to discuss this!)
I probably will say things that will challenge you (I know because they challenge me too), but I hope that you can trust I'm not trying to hurt you and that I've been on the same journey. I'm not up here doling out advice without having confronted (and continuing to confront) my own 'stuff'. If you pay attention to your reactions to these ideas, they'll give you a lot of information about yourself; if you can use that information to create a more positive mental life for yourself, brilliant!
So, back to the title:
What if someone's judgement of you is RIGHT?!
(send help!)
It's all well and good to suggest that we just shouldn't judge each other (which I agree with). One day, hopefully, we'll have developed enough as a society that this is the case. The unfortunate thing about focusing on the 'other' is that it's not useful for us; much as we'd like to, we cannot control other people's behaviour, so we can't actually stop people from making judgements of us. Attempting to stop that is as useless as pushing sh*t uphill. Also, gossip and social judgement evolved to transmit information about people who could potentially hurt or help us, so it has its roots in keeping us safe.
(I'm not saying that gossip itself is a good thing, I'm saying it has a use/purpose. I try to focus on whether things are useful, not whether they're 'good' or 'bad' because that is not *usually* relevant. Get in touch with me if you want to discuss this!)
Usually we get upset when people make judgements of us, but we push these feelings outward 'onto' them. To use therapy language, we externalise and make them the problem.
"They shouldn't judge me!"
"How dare they say that!"
"As if they're perfect enough to say that about me!"
All of those are valid - the world would be a nicer place if we were nicer to one another.
The problem is, sometimes they're right. If they're right and we externalise, we never confront ourselves; the deepest, darkest parts of our self that we really, really don't want to believe (let alone admit) are there. This is why we externalise. By turning the tables onto the audacity of the other person (or their failures), we get to focus on their issues and use our mental energy protecting ourselves, instead of doing the mental and behavioural work that comes from admitting we aren't as good as we think we are.
When someone's judgement of you hits home, chances are its because your unconscious (your 'elephant', to use Jonathan Haidt's easily-Googleable metaphor) had a moment of recognition: "Are they right? Is there any truth to that? Did I do something wrong/bad/inappropriate...?". Now, I'm not saying you're bad or deserving of judgement. I'm saying that, in this particular context, YOU think there's a basis - however small - for that judgement. You may not want to admit it, and you're probably starting to feel angry at me now, but take a moment and think. Think about the last time a judgement got under your skin, versus the last time you managed to brush one off.
(If you can't ever brush anything off, I'd hypothesise that you spend too much time doubting yourself!)
When you can brush something off, it's because it doesn't hit home for you. It doesn't spark an insecurity, or something you think you can or should do better. If someone said to me, "you brush your teeth weirdly" I'd probably be able to shrug it off because it's irrelevant to my conception of myself, my abilities, my place in the world, whether I'm a 'good' person, etc. But if someone called me ugly or said I wasn't good at my jobs, it would affect me because it hits an insecurity and makes me question whether I'm happy with my identity, desirability, and ability (and yes, my first instinct would be a big fat F-YOU because I'm not perfect!).
It may even play into the 'other' voice from my internal narrative. This is where it gets complicated because the judgement may be something you fear or believe, because it comes from childhood or someone you trust(ed), but that doesn't mean it's based in reality or true.
The beauty of internalising - turning the focus inward and asking "do I think thats right?" - is that now you have a choice in how you proceed. I'm not here to tell you what the 'right' choice is; I'm not even convinced there is one. I just want you to know you have one. If you squirm at the idea that this judgemental person is right (and you want to tell them how much of an a**hole they are), chances are there's something there you fear, or are concerned about, insecure about, or not 100% happy with.
(That doesn't mean you disagree with your entire life or set of choices. It means that in that moment of time, during that interaction, or action, or whatever it may be, someone has made a judgement that calls your unconscious to question *something* about yourself).
If you decide there's basis to a judgement about your behaviour, you may choose to take action to change it (e.g. "maybe I do lose my cool at my kids too much, what can I do differently?").
If you are afraid of a judgement about your desirability, kindness, worth as a person, etc., you may take a close look at those insecurities and take action to overcome them (e.g. going on a retreat focused on self-love, or starting therapy to work through it).
If you react, but don't care enough, then this judgement isn't a priority and you may choose to continue on until it becomes one.
The problem is, sometimes they're right. If they're right and we externalise, we never confront ourselves; the deepest, darkest parts of our self that we really, really don't want to believe (let alone admit) are there. This is why we externalise. By turning the tables onto the audacity of the other person (or their failures), we get to focus on their issues and use our mental energy protecting ourselves, instead of doing the mental and behavioural work that comes from admitting we aren't as good as we think we are.
When someone's judgement of you hits home, chances are its because your unconscious (your 'elephant', to use Jonathan Haidt's easily-Googleable metaphor) had a moment of recognition: "Are they right? Is there any truth to that? Did I do something wrong/bad/inappropriate...?". Now, I'm not saying you're bad or deserving of judgement. I'm saying that, in this particular context, YOU think there's a basis - however small - for that judgement. You may not want to admit it, and you're probably starting to feel angry at me now, but take a moment and think. Think about the last time a judgement got under your skin, versus the last time you managed to brush one off.
(If you can't ever brush anything off, I'd hypothesise that you spend too much time doubting yourself!)
When you can brush something off, it's because it doesn't hit home for you. It doesn't spark an insecurity, or something you think you can or should do better. If someone said to me, "you brush your teeth weirdly" I'd probably be able to shrug it off because it's irrelevant to my conception of myself, my abilities, my place in the world, whether I'm a 'good' person, etc. But if someone called me ugly or said I wasn't good at my jobs, it would affect me because it hits an insecurity and makes me question whether I'm happy with my identity, desirability, and ability (and yes, my first instinct would be a big fat F-YOU because I'm not perfect!).
It may even play into the 'other' voice from my internal narrative. This is where it gets complicated because the judgement may be something you fear or believe, because it comes from childhood or someone you trust(ed), but that doesn't mean it's based in reality or true.
The beauty of internalising - turning the focus inward and asking "do I think thats right?" - is that now you have a choice in how you proceed. I'm not here to tell you what the 'right' choice is; I'm not even convinced there is one. I just want you to know you have one. If you squirm at the idea that this judgemental person is right (and you want to tell them how much of an a**hole they are), chances are there's something there you fear, or are concerned about, insecure about, or not 100% happy with.
(That doesn't mean you disagree with your entire life or set of choices. It means that in that moment of time, during that interaction, or action, or whatever it may be, someone has made a judgement that calls your unconscious to question *something* about yourself).
If you decide there's basis to a judgement about your behaviour, you may choose to take action to change it (e.g. "maybe I do lose my cool at my kids too much, what can I do differently?").
If you are afraid of a judgement about your desirability, kindness, worth as a person, etc., you may take a close look at those insecurities and take action to overcome them (e.g. going on a retreat focused on self-love, or starting therapy to work through it).
If you react, but don't care enough, then this judgement isn't a priority and you may choose to continue on until it becomes one.
Next time you react to judgement, don't avoid the issue by externalising (well, you can, but make sure you do the internal work too!). Internalise your feelings and accept the fact that you believe there may be a basis, however small, for this judgement. Confront those things you don't want to see. Then choose what you do next.
(Apologies this was so long, I really really didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression so I spent a LOT of time explaining myself!)
(Apologies this was so long, I really really didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression so I spent a LOT of time explaining myself!)
Sophie Gray
If you're interested in learning more about the Elephant and Rider metaphor (beyond Google and straight from the source), read "The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truths in Ancient Wisdom" by Jonathan Haidt.
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