Selfishness, neuroticism, and other "bad" traits (Part 2)
Part 1 of this series (oooh series!) discussed the automatic assumption we make that certain traits are just 'bad'. I chose selfishness and neuroticism as examples to illustrate that there are also positive sides to these traits, and they can be very useful in certain contexts. Hopefully you went through the same thought process using examples relevant to yourself. What's interesting about people, generally, (myself included) is that we can objectively see this, but putting it into practice is much harder. So while you may think, "oh yeah, I can see how selfishness is useful to me!" if someone were to call you selfish, you might still have a negative reaction to it; either externalised via anger, or internalised via sadness.
(You're right, that categorisation of reactions is a bit simplistic given the range of human emotion)
This brings me to Question 2: Why are we so determined to avoid the 'bad' things about us?
What is it about these 'bad' things that we find so hard to accept? Why do we have that sudden PANG reaction when someone labels us with these traits (or even when we think they have done so)?
(Now, I'd argue that even people who accept their negative traits still have a PANG, although it may be a very small PANG. We are not immune to that immediate reaction, not matter how much we think we have accepted ourselves. So, even though you may feel this is irrelevant to you, keep reading; you never know when something interesting will pop up!)
I'm going to return to the idea of Thinking Gray, where we approach life on a continuum instead of categorically. I.e. seeing life as white...shades of grey...black instead of white/black. Now, I know you know life is not black and white, and there's nuances and subtleties within everything... but do you know it? Do you apply it?
(If you can, I take my hat off to you! If not, that's what this is here for)
Some of us can go to the extreme before we have even realised it...
Them: "You're selfish"
My brain: *makes speedy assumptions about all negative associations I have with the word 'selfish' and feel terrible about myself*
(or something like that)
If you find it difficult to 'come down' from a reaction, you may not even consider that a continuum exists. Selfishness = X and that's just how it is. For example, a conversation I had recently discussing someone's fears of being materialistic: After a bit of poking around their psyche (oo-er), we discovered that, in their mind, "materialism" was directly equivalent to "shallow, un-empathic, un-compassionate, external validation, approval seeking, "Kim Kardashian"-ness (sorry Kim!) etc.". There was absolutely no grey there; either they were materialistic (and 'bad'), or they weren't (and 'good').
Returning to Question 1 of this series, we can come up with ways in which materialism is useful. Obviously, in its extreme forms (both sides), it can be detrimental, but in other contexts it's helpful - so being materialistic isn't always a bad thing and it doesn't automatically make someone a bad person. It's the other connotations we attach to these words that causes us to categorise ourselves as 'good' or 'bad' based on these labels. These connotations can come from experiences we've had, as well as ideas we've been shown by others.
Of course, this tendency to categorise is evolutionarily useful. Our ancestors were more likely to stay alive if they could quickly respond to the world and relationships around us, and categorisation minimises energy expenditure because we can "know" everything we need to know ASAP. Application of this useful skill mindlessly and frequently, however, can get us into trouble - and get us thinking really negatively about ourselves!
We are determined to avoid these 'bad' labels because we don't allow ourselves to move away from categorisations and extremities - we allow our brains to move mindlessly through the other associations we have made with these labels (ending in "Kim Kardashian"), instead of stopping the process, seeing the continuum, and examining the shades of grey in the middle.
Another way this happens is with ideas of 'should' and 'shouldn't' - yep, you guessed it, another black and white categorisation. When we only make one type of association with words (i.e. "materialism" = "shallow" = "bad") we also attach an idea of whether we should or should not be that thing, based on what we think a good person is like. So, if you automatically move from materialism through the associated words, you'll eventually end up at something resembling:
"materialism" = "shallow" = "bad" = "I'm a bad person" = "shouldn't be like that" = *feels like sh*t when I behave in a materialistic way*
In today's society, it's not easy to avoid being materialistic, so how many times per day or week would this person have this thought process about themselves? What an exhausting inner conflict!
Avoiding being these things (selfish, neurotic, materialistic, etc.) means that we avoid being a bad person (and therefore avoid losing our relationships, which would endanger us psychologically and physically)... But can you really avoid being these things? Can you live up to the expectation of being a perfect person 24/7? What does 'perfect person' even mean? What would happen if you were never selfish or materialistic? That should be pretty hard to imagine... because the truth is you are some of these so-called negative traits, and that's ok! When you deny their existence or utility, you open the door for your brain to mindlessly progress through neural association networks that ends in inner conflict (which takes up a LOT of energy, trust me!). Unfortunately, Thinking Gray also takes time, energy, and a few failures, before it becomes easy and natural - be kind to yourself and find someone to help you with the process! You will get there if you put the work in.
If you missed Part 1, check it out here:
https://thinkgraydaily.blogspot.com.au/2017/10/selfishness-neuroticism-and-other-bad.html
(You're right, that categorisation of reactions is a bit simplistic given the range of human emotion)
This brings me to Question 2: Why are we so determined to avoid the 'bad' things about us?
What is it about these 'bad' things that we find so hard to accept? Why do we have that sudden PANG reaction when someone labels us with these traits (or even when we think they have done so)?
(Now, I'd argue that even people who accept their negative traits still have a PANG, although it may be a very small PANG. We are not immune to that immediate reaction, not matter how much we think we have accepted ourselves. So, even though you may feel this is irrelevant to you, keep reading; you never know when something interesting will pop up!)
I'm going to return to the idea of Thinking Gray, where we approach life on a continuum instead of categorically. I.e. seeing life as white...shades of grey...black instead of white/black. Now, I know you know life is not black and white, and there's nuances and subtleties within everything... but do you know it? Do you apply it?
(If you can, I take my hat off to you! If not, that's what this is here for)
Some of us can go to the extreme before we have even realised it...
Them: "You're selfish"
My brain: *makes speedy assumptions about all negative associations I have with the word 'selfish' and feel terrible about myself*
(or something like that)
If you find it difficult to 'come down' from a reaction, you may not even consider that a continuum exists. Selfishness = X and that's just how it is. For example, a conversation I had recently discussing someone's fears of being materialistic: After a bit of poking around their psyche (oo-er), we discovered that, in their mind, "materialism" was directly equivalent to "shallow, un-empathic, un-compassionate, external validation, approval seeking, "Kim Kardashian"-ness (sorry Kim!) etc.". There was absolutely no grey there; either they were materialistic (and 'bad'), or they weren't (and 'good').
Returning to Question 1 of this series, we can come up with ways in which materialism is useful. Obviously, in its extreme forms (both sides), it can be detrimental, but in other contexts it's helpful - so being materialistic isn't always a bad thing and it doesn't automatically make someone a bad person. It's the other connotations we attach to these words that causes us to categorise ourselves as 'good' or 'bad' based on these labels. These connotations can come from experiences we've had, as well as ideas we've been shown by others.
Of course, this tendency to categorise is evolutionarily useful. Our ancestors were more likely to stay alive if they could quickly respond to the world and relationships around us, and categorisation minimises energy expenditure because we can "know" everything we need to know ASAP. Application of this useful skill mindlessly and frequently, however, can get us into trouble - and get us thinking really negatively about ourselves!
We are determined to avoid these 'bad' labels because we don't allow ourselves to move away from categorisations and extremities - we allow our brains to move mindlessly through the other associations we have made with these labels (ending in "Kim Kardashian"), instead of stopping the process, seeing the continuum, and examining the shades of grey in the middle.
Another way this happens is with ideas of 'should' and 'shouldn't' - yep, you guessed it, another black and white categorisation. When we only make one type of association with words (i.e. "materialism" = "shallow" = "bad") we also attach an idea of whether we should or should not be that thing, based on what we think a good person is like. So, if you automatically move from materialism through the associated words, you'll eventually end up at something resembling:
"materialism" = "shallow" = "bad" = "I'm a bad person" = "shouldn't be like that" = *feels like sh*t when I behave in a materialistic way*
In today's society, it's not easy to avoid being materialistic, so how many times per day or week would this person have this thought process about themselves? What an exhausting inner conflict!
Avoiding being these things (selfish, neurotic, materialistic, etc.) means that we avoid being a bad person (and therefore avoid losing our relationships, which would endanger us psychologically and physically)... But can you really avoid being these things? Can you live up to the expectation of being a perfect person 24/7? What does 'perfect person' even mean? What would happen if you were never selfish or materialistic? That should be pretty hard to imagine... because the truth is you are some of these so-called negative traits, and that's ok! When you deny their existence or utility, you open the door for your brain to mindlessly progress through neural association networks that ends in inner conflict (which takes up a LOT of energy, trust me!). Unfortunately, Thinking Gray also takes time, energy, and a few failures, before it becomes easy and natural - be kind to yourself and find someone to help you with the process! You will get there if you put the work in.
Sophie Gray
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
If you missed Part 1, check it out here:
https://thinkgraydaily.blogspot.com.au/2017/10/selfishness-neuroticism-and-other-bad.html
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