Thinking Gray

Who do you  want  to see make changes? We focus strongly on why we want them to change, and how they could be better… but what do we do to help them change? Obviously there are many ways we can both help and hinder them, and the one I will discuss here is whether we give them permission to change. …But if I WANT them to change, surely I’m giving them permission to? Not necessarily . Let’s talk about what change means: it means undoing ‘programming’ (for want of a better word) that has been developed and added to across your lifespan . That means some of the ideas and beliefs you hold may be years, or decades, old (read: very ingrained). Human ‘programming’ cannot just be forgotten or rewritten without significant trauma - and I can’t condone giving someone severe amnesia!  Changing habits, behaviours, or even beliefs takes a long time and the journey involves failures , sometimes really epic ones.  So, whomever you want to change will fa...

If you look back over old editions of Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, Dolly Magazine (‘90s teens unite!) you’ll notice they all feature articles with the latest hints, tips, and tricks to “ lose weight (and keep it off!) ”, “ love yourself ”, “ tone your butt/abs/thighs/arms ”, or “ live your best life! ”. If these quick fixes worked, surely these articles would now be redundant ? Well, they’re still out in force - especially since the internet has made “ 10 easy ways to be happy - and stay that way! ” free and accessible to everyone - so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that simply knowing hints, tips, and tricks isn’t the answer. When you want change, information isn’t enough. Whether your goal is about fitness, mental health, or even your career, it takes more than a few quick tips to change. Why is knowing not enough?  Well, we all know smoking causes lung cancer, but people still smoke. That’s one example of many I could call upon where we know something and...

 “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” I’ve been thinking about trust this week. Like most people, I’ve lost trust in relationships, so I pre-empt this blog by saying I am speaking from experience. I get it. Why do I need to do that? Because what I have to say may not be taken well by those in the throes of wondering how they’ll ever regain trust. I certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed it.  The first thing we need to consider is whether or not trust is spontaneous . Does it ‘just happen’?  I don’t think so.  I think trust is one of those things we think ‘just happens’, but the reality is that it is chosen , or cultivated . We make a choice to trust (or not trust) people. We trust the strangers around us not to attack us, we trust Uber drivers to drive safely, we trust our friends to be kind, we trust our partners to be faithful… we may not be consciously aware of these choices, but every time we step out into the world among other p...

If you don’t already know how I feel about the word * should *, let me enlighten you: I hate it. It sets the stage for so much criticism , as though there is only one way for life to be lived. Life is a collection of consequences we deem suitable, not something that can be boiled down to a formula of what we * should * do.   So when I thought, “ I wish people would be less judgemental ” my next thought was, “ we *should* stop making judgements ”. Luckily my internal * should * alarm went off and I pulled myself up on it to ask, “ why *should* we? ”. (Hopefully the excessive repetition is also making you hate the word *should* - yes, I have an agenda!) So, why would you want to stop making judgements? Because it’s mean ? Because they can be unfounded ? Because they lead to stereotypes and prejudice ?  All valid reasons. Unfortunately, none of these reasons overwrite our natural tendency to internally categorise the world (judge), nor is it necessar...

There’s a quote I love, “ the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off ”and it applies here:  you will  find a way  to fit exercise into your life  if you want to . External changes will make it easier,  but we can’t always rely on those. Exercise has to be on your  priority  list. (Sometimes that’s just not going to happen. If it doesn’t matter to you as much as something else, that is ok, but you will keep running your mind ragged if you focus on the externals without examining the possible internal barriers) This is difficult for anyone to hear, about anything they feel they can't do, because we don't hear it - we hear something else .  With exercise, that ‘something else’ could be: “ You’re not doing enough, other people prioritise exercise but you don’t. You *should* want to fit it in. You must be lazy… ” and so on. It’s easy to get defensive , so we generate excuses. Although they're v alid , they don’t resolve the unde...

Alongside psychotherapy, I teach Les Mills group fitness classes. I used to do this because I wanted to be skinny - all my focus was on aesthetic benefits of exercise. As I’ve gotten more mature (or so I like to think!) , my reasoning has matured too - I want to be strong , powerful , and do things that feel impossible . It’s pretty easy to see how exercise achieves this physically, but can it also make you mentally stronger? Yes.  How? Exercise empowers you It builds your resilience   It strengthens your perseverance (Realistically 2 & 3 are the same thing because resilience is perseverance through adversity, but 3 is a better list number)  No matter who you are or what your fitness level, exercise is uncomfortable (to put it mildly). Whether you’re just starting out, maintaining your fitness, or extremely fit and trying a new type of exercise, it can always be challenging. BUT if you keep going, you get better at it… “The only way is up, b...