*Should* we stop making judgements and being judgemental?

If you don’t already know how I feel about the word *should*, let me enlighten you: I hate it. It sets the stage for so much criticism, as though there is only one way for life to be lived. Life is a collection of consequences we deem suitable, not something that can be boiled down to a formula of what we *should* do. 

So when I thought, “I wish people would be less judgemental” my next thought was, “we *should* stop making judgements”. Luckily my internal *should* alarm went off and I pulled myself up on it to ask, “why *should* we?”.

(Hopefully the excessive repetition is also making you hate the word *should* - yes, I have an agenda!)

So, why would you want to stop making judgements?

Because it’s mean? Because they can be unfounded? Because they lead to stereotypes and prejudice? 

All valid reasons. Unfortunately, none of these reasons overwrite our natural tendency to internally categorise the world (judge), nor is it necessary. 

I’m not saying it’s ok to be mean or prejudiced. I am saying that we have categorisation skills for a reason. Cruelty is a possible consequence of categorisation, but so is a deeper understanding of the world, easier communication between individuals (e.g. scientists and across cultures), and faster comprehension of simultaneously co-occurring variables. 

Categorisation is not ‘good’ or ‘bad’; it simply is. There are consequences of categorisation that are both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and if we removed everything that had bad consequences, we’d remove the world. It is what we choose to do with those consequences, and how we choose to act, that is important (I believe). 

Think about babies. One of their first skills is learning how to categorise so they don’t become overwhelmed by the extreme volume of information around them. Imagine if we couldn’t make quick judgements or categorisations as adults, especially back in the ‘caveman’ days of our ancestors. We’d be unable to quickly choose who to trust, what was safe to eat, have trouble making decisions… Realistically, we’d have had a much lower chance of survival. 

(Yes, we have grown and evolved from the caveman days, but the basic foundations of our brains - skills like categorisation, anxiety, recognition of danger, etc. - still process information similarly. We respond to much of the world as we would back then, even though dangers are different, because biological evolution is much slower than social evolution!)

So, we categorise to make decisions on many fronts. We judge to make decisions. It’s a tendency that has evolved so we can make sense of (and survive in!) an information-dense, complex world. 

What if the judgement we make is a negative attribution, or prompts negative behaviour? What happens next? 

The possibilities are endless, and it depends on the kind of person I am, the person I want to be, the day I’ve had, the context I’m in, the societal expectations…and so on. Because our brains like shortcuts (to save energy) we tend to go, “judgement —> reality —> behaviour” as though our judgement must be a correct representation of reality and we must behave in line with it. 

It’s this unquestioning follow-through from judgement to behaviour that makes judgements so damaging. 

The purpose of judgement isn’t to hurt people, it’s to understand the world faster. We understand the world in light of what we have learned from our past - we understand according to what we know. This means that our judgements are not the only possible answer. They are one possible representation of reality, and they often speak more about our own internal narrative than they do about the person we’ve made the judgement of. 

For example, I am prone to assuming that people looking at my dog at the dog park will get annoyed at him because he’s boisterous and large; I’m making a judgement that they are unkind and unforgiving. My first instinct is to judge harshly like this because this is what I learned in my early childhood and, unfortunately, this is what a part of my self expects from the world. However, my internalised ‘reality’ is certainly not the norm. If I don’t understand my biases toward making these sorts of judgements, I will behave as though my judgement equals reality. Then my external reality will match my internal one because I’ll behave toward these people as though they are unkind, so they’ll probably be unkind! 

(That’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy… we really can create our own reality)

So, my judgement = my own sh*t. Your judgements = your own sh*t. 

They might be right or they might be wrong, but they’re a product of what you think you know about the world.

Now, It’s a lot easier when external reality is the problem, and we’re just responding to what’s in front of us. We don’t have to do any work; our judgements are reality and therefore the world needs to change. 

Except, if everything else but us needs to change, will anything ever change? 

If “[negative] judgement —> reality —> behaviour” is our orientation, then stereotyping, prejudice, rudeness, etc., are the most obvious consequences. It’s easy to say that these things *should* just stop, but our tendency to judge (categorise) is so deeply ingrained (and necessary!) that we’re fighting an un-winnable battle trying to forcibly stop them. I believe the answer lies more in acceptance than forcible removal:

1. Acceptance that judgement is a skill that allows us to comprehend and respond to many variables quickly 
2. Acceptance that judgements often aid our survival in unfamiliar circumstances
3. Acceptance that our judgements are not always useful, or ‘true’
4. Acceptance that unquestioned judgements can have extremely negative consequences if we act upon them

(This goes for positive and negative judgements. Imagine if you unquestioningly trusted someone without any evidence, because you believe that all people are trustworthy)

When we accept the utility and reasons behind our judgements, we are less likely to blindly follow them. We are more likely to examine them, question them, and decide if we want to act upon them (i.e. decide if they are in line with our values and the person we want to be). We are more likely to recognise the contextual variables that have influenced that judgement - did you judge that person as ‘stupid’ because you’re tired and cranky today? 

(I know being hangry has some serious effects on my judgements!) 

Forcible removal of judgements, and self-criticism for making them, tends to lead to internal conflicts. Trying to fight them is basically you just yelling at yourself for engaging in a normal streamlining process. How tiring. 

Accept the judgement, and the fact you’ve made it, because the judgement doesn’t make you a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person. What you do with that judgement and how you behave are what really matters. 

If you want to read more about what to do when someone else makes a judgement of you, check out my previous blog: "What if someone's judgement of you is RIGHT?!"

Sophie Gray 

Think Gray Psychotherapy

www.thinkgray.com