Solving the problem of negative emotions
This seems to be something people struggle with on a daily basis - how do I stop feeling sad? how do I stop feeling anxious? how do I feel happier?
As with everything in life, the answer is both simple and complex. You are more in control of your emotions than you think, but it's more complicated than flicking a light switch and ta-da! altering how you feel.
(yep, if only it could be like Vampire Diaries where we could just turn our 'humanity switch' off... now you know my secret guilty pleasure, don't judge)
This post, however, is about something slightly different; it's not about how to control your emotions, or how to stop them happening, it's about how to solve the 'problems' they cause. By 'problems' I mean the discomfort you feel when you're in the throes of sadness, resentment, anger, frustration, guilt... We have labelled these emotions as 'negative' (read: 'bad') and we are uncomfortable when we feel them. So, there's another layer of negativity added to the feeling itself. This could come from a self-critical perspective ("I shouldn't be feeling this") or a fear perspective ("I don't want to feel this"), or another perspective (think about it in the context of your own experience).
I hope that makes sense. Essentially, emotion (e.g. sadness) = feel sad, but you may also feel sad about feeling sad, feel scared about feeling sad, feel apprehensive about how long the sadness will continue... So, what I'm getting at is that there are many layers to the experience of your emotions beyond the initial emotion. Often, we see these emotions and the extra layers as being problematic.
I should probably have mentioned this earlier, but this post was inspired by a question someone asked on social media recently: "if you could release any emotion, what would it be?" As you could probably guess, most responses centred around 'negative' emotions; releasing fear, anger, resentment, sadness, worry, anxiety. Because if we didn't feel any of those things, life would be great, right?
Wrong.
(#dramaticpause)
A few years ago I'd have been right there, probably saying I'd release sadness, as I've struggled a lot with depression. But I found myself answering that I wouldn't release any of my emotions. I want them all. Or, as my toddler would say, "I wan all-dem" (it's too cute to correct).
I'm not masochistic, but I've come to a point where I see the benefit in the full range of the human emotional experience. Not only do emotions provide richness and energy to life (cue Hallmark-style inspirational meme), they are necessary for our safety and goal-achievement; we need them to stay alive and thrive.
Emotions serve a purpose. They move us, they teach us, they guide us, they give us information - both to maintain our physical safety and our position in social groups... They keep us alive and connected to a society. For example, disgust alerts us to possible threats to our physical safety (i.e. stops us ingesting contaminants) and stops us engaging in taboo behaviour that could lead to social ostracism (i.e. incest).
(Yes, disgust is an emotion)
As with most psychological things, it's sometimes easier to understand them with reference to a physical analogy: I'll use congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP) as an example. CIP is an inherited disorder where the sufferer doesn't feel pain. Fantastic, right? You'd never have to be afraid of childbirth, or stubbing your toe, and if you were ever caught by an evil genius and had to cut your hand off to escape out of handcuffs, no problem! (Unless it was both hands...)
Unfortunately, this causes a lot of problems - you could burn yourself on a hot cup and not realise, or you could get a cut somewhere you didn't see and end up with a bad infection, or (and this is where it gets really bad) repeated injuries to certain areas can damage blood vessels and lead to fingers or toes falling off! This is more succinctly called "spontaneous amputation". If you want to read more about the lived experience of these difficulties, click here for an anecdotal account.
Most of us would argue that feeling pain sucks, which is why we have anaesthetics and pain killers. However, pain serves a purpose: it tells us when something is wrong so that we can fix it. Without pain, we also cannot connect to experiences in what most of us would call a 'human' way. Empathy is often a form of pain. Feeling the despair of others is what pushes us to try and help, which makes both ourselves and society stronger. Emotional pain allows us to grow and learn - as does anger, because it is through anger that we learn what our values and boundaries are.
Take some time to reflect on what emotion you'd release if you could - and then think about:
1) What that emotion does for you
2) How does it benefit you?
3) What would your life be like without it?
Does this alter your answer?
Returning to the title of this post, we can 'solve' the problem of negative emotions by, firstly, ditching the word negative - it doesn't serve much of a purpose to you to label them as 'negative'. Then think more deeply about them. When you feel them, what is happening besides the emotion itself? Is there guilt? apprehension? fear?
Why?
What would happen if you accepted that emotion, and then saw the positives in it? Found a purpose for that feeling? Used it to achieve something?
Perhaps the solution to negative emotions is not releasing or ridding ourselves of them; that could cause more problems than it solves. Perhaps it is acceptance of their existence, appreciation of their use and benefits, and considering other layers underneath your experience of the emotion that will solve the discomfort.
As with everything in life, the answer is both simple and complex. You are more in control of your emotions than you think, but it's more complicated than flicking a light switch and ta-da! altering how you feel.
(yep, if only it could be like Vampire Diaries where we could just turn our 'humanity switch' off... now you know my secret guilty pleasure, don't judge)
This post, however, is about something slightly different; it's not about how to control your emotions, or how to stop them happening, it's about how to solve the 'problems' they cause. By 'problems' I mean the discomfort you feel when you're in the throes of sadness, resentment, anger, frustration, guilt... We have labelled these emotions as 'negative' (read: 'bad') and we are uncomfortable when we feel them. So, there's another layer of negativity added to the feeling itself. This could come from a self-critical perspective ("I shouldn't be feeling this") or a fear perspective ("I don't want to feel this"), or another perspective (think about it in the context of your own experience).
I hope that makes sense. Essentially, emotion (e.g. sadness) = feel sad, but you may also feel sad about feeling sad, feel scared about feeling sad, feel apprehensive about how long the sadness will continue... So, what I'm getting at is that there are many layers to the experience of your emotions beyond the initial emotion. Often, we see these emotions and the extra layers as being problematic.
I should probably have mentioned this earlier, but this post was inspired by a question someone asked on social media recently: "if you could release any emotion, what would it be?" As you could probably guess, most responses centred around 'negative' emotions; releasing fear, anger, resentment, sadness, worry, anxiety. Because if we didn't feel any of those things, life would be great, right?
Wrong.
(#dramaticpause)
A few years ago I'd have been right there, probably saying I'd release sadness, as I've struggled a lot with depression. But I found myself answering that I wouldn't release any of my emotions. I want them all. Or, as my toddler would say, "I wan all-dem" (it's too cute to correct).
I'm not masochistic, but I've come to a point where I see the benefit in the full range of the human emotional experience. Not only do emotions provide richness and energy to life (cue Hallmark-style inspirational meme), they are necessary for our safety and goal-achievement; we need them to stay alive and thrive.
Emotions serve a purpose. They move us, they teach us, they guide us, they give us information - both to maintain our physical safety and our position in social groups... They keep us alive and connected to a society. For example, disgust alerts us to possible threats to our physical safety (i.e. stops us ingesting contaminants) and stops us engaging in taboo behaviour that could lead to social ostracism (i.e. incest).
(Yes, disgust is an emotion)
As with most psychological things, it's sometimes easier to understand them with reference to a physical analogy: I'll use congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP) as an example. CIP is an inherited disorder where the sufferer doesn't feel pain. Fantastic, right? You'd never have to be afraid of childbirth, or stubbing your toe, and if you were ever caught by an evil genius and had to cut your hand off to escape out of handcuffs, no problem! (Unless it was both hands...)
Unfortunately, this causes a lot of problems - you could burn yourself on a hot cup and not realise, or you could get a cut somewhere you didn't see and end up with a bad infection, or (and this is where it gets really bad) repeated injuries to certain areas can damage blood vessels and lead to fingers or toes falling off! This is more succinctly called "spontaneous amputation". If you want to read more about the lived experience of these difficulties, click here for an anecdotal account.
Most of us would argue that feeling pain sucks, which is why we have anaesthetics and pain killers. However, pain serves a purpose: it tells us when something is wrong so that we can fix it. Without pain, we also cannot connect to experiences in what most of us would call a 'human' way. Empathy is often a form of pain. Feeling the despair of others is what pushes us to try and help, which makes both ourselves and society stronger. Emotional pain allows us to grow and learn - as does anger, because it is through anger that we learn what our values and boundaries are.
Take some time to reflect on what emotion you'd release if you could - and then think about:
1) What that emotion does for you
2) How does it benefit you?
3) What would your life be like without it?
Does this alter your answer?
Returning to the title of this post, we can 'solve' the problem of negative emotions by, firstly, ditching the word negative - it doesn't serve much of a purpose to you to label them as 'negative'. Then think more deeply about them. When you feel them, what is happening besides the emotion itself? Is there guilt? apprehension? fear?
Why?
What would happen if you accepted that emotion, and then saw the positives in it? Found a purpose for that feeling? Used it to achieve something?
Perhaps the solution to negative emotions is not releasing or ridding ourselves of them; that could cause more problems than it solves. Perhaps it is acceptance of their existence, appreciation of their use and benefits, and considering other layers underneath your experience of the emotion that will solve the discomfort.
Sophie Gray
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
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