Listening and hearing: Why they're not the same thing
In the wake of the Jordan Peterson interview on UK's Channel 4 news, it became obvious that the distinction between listening and hearing needs to be addressed, especially where emotional political issues are concerned. There were multiple instances in which the interviewer (Cathy Newman) asks, "so what you mean is..." and made a statement that was in no way, shape, or form what Dr. Peterson had said. It's so funny, it's meme-worthy.
Watch the full interview if you're interested; I'm not particularly keen on dissecting it in great depth because that's been done all over the internet already!
On a more personal level, this sort of misunderstanding occurs on a daily basis with friends, partners, colleagues, etc. Just last week, this happened:
My partner said to my friend: "it's interesting, as you get older you become more conservative"
My friend: "not me!" and seemed slightly offended
I laughed: "Jane, what did you hear?"
She looked at me confused (I don't blame her)
Me: "what did you infer from what he said?"
Jane: "oh... that I'm going to become intolerant and not care about social issues"
(Names changed for confidentiality... except my partner, a quick Facebook search should give that info away!)
However, that's not what my partner said. Hearing is knowing the words people use, while listening is understanding them. You can hear the words and still not listen.
Now, biases are fine. We are taught they are entirely bad, but that's not true (nothing in life is entirely bad; that's why we Think Gray). Biases are an adaptive response to the brain's efforts to streamline the world, so that we expend as little energy as necessary to survive. Think about babies for a moment; they are so amazed by everything that their attention is constantly diverted and they become cranky and tired when overstimulated. As we grow, our brain trims our neural pathways (we lose brain cells) so that we can make sense of our world a lot faster - we place things in categories and those categories have concepts associated with them that tell us about their use, place in the world, value, etc. This is where stereotyping starts. This is also why we can walk into a room and understand the purpose of that room, as well as how we should behave in that room, and what objects are likely to be present in that room, in what seems like a split second.
So, biases are useful. They help us understand and predict our environment.
However, problems start to happen when we overuse our biases to pre-emptively understand someone or something. Overuse of biases can close us off to relevant information, or we can even explain away something that does not fit within our worldview (you may also like to do some independent research on cognitive dissonance). When we overuse our biases, we become complacent and stunt our intellectual growth.
But it's not that easy. Research has shown that even psychologists who are aware of these biases have a hard time stopping them in their tracks. So what chance do laypeople have of reducing their biases and expanding their knowledge, especially on emotional topics that are likely to induce a lot of bias?
Let me be careful here, as I had someone read this and they said, "I'd probably think the same thing your friend did" and I want to reiterate that that is a completely fine thing to think - and something I think a lot of us would think! Those assumptions are so important to our survival because they make our understanding faster. What I caution against here is being unaware of those assumptions. If we aren't aware of what connotations we assign to words, or biases we have toward people/places/things/ideas, etc., we react mindlessly - i.e. we hear, we do not listen. If we are aware of those assumptions, we can check our understanding: "Wait, are you saying I'll become intolerant and not care about social issues?!" This gives us a chance to move forward productively.
Ask yourself, "Am I listening, or hearing?"
Use your gut response.
If you feel angry, or immediately want to jump in and talk over someone, or you think "wow s/he is stupid!" there's an important gut feeling that's alerting you to something you're thinking. What is it? Are you defensive because this person is saying something that scares you, or deviates from your beliefs? Are you fearful of having your identity challenged if those beliefs are challenged? Are you simply afraid of being wrong? What does being wrong mean to you?...
It's also important to think about what connotations (or additional meanings) are also attached to the words or phrasing people have used. Because our brains have such incredible connectivity, one word can automatically 'jumpstart' a whole lot of ideas and meanings based on our understanding of that word, examples of it in daily life, experiences, etc. Just like how "conservative" had connotations beyond the word's definition for my friend.
(What's funny here is that we all - myself included - want to turn our thoughts to the other person and how they're wrong... Forget the other person - this is about YOU!)
There are so many questions you can reflect on - but if your gut response is similar to those listed above, chances are you will cease to listen, and simply just hear.
Then, you hear to respond, instead of listening to learn.
(Again, I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong, or you don't have a right to defend your views, or think that someone else is 'stupid'... I'm trying to alert you to the fact that these responses can also be perceived on another level. They are a window into your unconscious and paying attention to them can change how you respond to other people and their views)
This is easily applicable to political issues like the Jordan Peterson interview example. If we are defensive and biased without examining those biases, our hearing does nothing to further a positive outcome. Listening, on the other hand, allows us to learn and work together to build a better future. Listening, hopefully, allows us to overcome defensiveness and build compassion, which is more productive for problem-solving (and avoids in-group/out-group polarisation issues).
The same thing applies to the example I gave with my friend. If you are hearing (or react) with bias to something your friend says - whether it's a description, a political statement, a belief, or an idea - you're not likely to listen to them (i.e. understand them). If their beliefs or ideas seem to oppose your own, this could mean the beginning of the end of a friendship. It sounds dramatic, but I have seen and experienced this myself. Assumptions made from hearing create mental ideas of people that we then use to interpret everything they say - eventually you stop seeing the best in your friends, and start interpreting things negatively.
(I'm reminded of a post I wrote about frivolous expenses that recounts an issue that arose with one of my best friends, which describes this process in more detail)
Next time you're involved in a discussion with someone whose beliefs/ideas differ from your own, notice your reactions. They'll tell you something about your biases, which will help you be mindful of whether you're listening or hearing. The distinction between these two things can change the nature of relationships on both an individual level and a societal level - and that can either help us avoid, or bring about, another World War.
(It might sound dramatic - again - but Rome wasn't built in a day, and the lead-up to war is a slow one...Politically our landscape is very divided and built on uncompassionate hearing, not listening)
Watch the full interview if you're interested; I'm not particularly keen on dissecting it in great depth because that's been done all over the internet already!
On a more personal level, this sort of misunderstanding occurs on a daily basis with friends, partners, colleagues, etc. Just last week, this happened:
My partner said to my friend: "it's interesting, as you get older you become more conservative"
My friend: "not me!" and seemed slightly offended
I laughed: "Jane, what did you hear?"
She looked at me confused (I don't blame her)
Me: "what did you infer from what he said?"
Jane: "oh... that I'm going to become intolerant and not care about social issues"
(Names changed for confidentiality... except my partner, a quick Facebook search should give that info away!)
However, that's not what my partner said. Hearing is knowing the words people use, while listening is understanding them. You can hear the words and still not listen.
- There could be a bias in the things you associate with those words (there are so many connotations attached to different expressions, which is why word choice is so important!)
- There is a pre-existing bias in your beliefs about the topic that colours how you interpret others' statements (i.e. what you think they mean)
- You have a bias in your beliefs about the person speaking that affects what you think they're saying (i.e. prejudice about the person)
Now, biases are fine. We are taught they are entirely bad, but that's not true (nothing in life is entirely bad; that's why we Think Gray). Biases are an adaptive response to the brain's efforts to streamline the world, so that we expend as little energy as necessary to survive. Think about babies for a moment; they are so amazed by everything that their attention is constantly diverted and they become cranky and tired when overstimulated. As we grow, our brain trims our neural pathways (we lose brain cells) so that we can make sense of our world a lot faster - we place things in categories and those categories have concepts associated with them that tell us about their use, place in the world, value, etc. This is where stereotyping starts. This is also why we can walk into a room and understand the purpose of that room, as well as how we should behave in that room, and what objects are likely to be present in that room, in what seems like a split second.
So, biases are useful. They help us understand and predict our environment.
However, problems start to happen when we overuse our biases to pre-emptively understand someone or something. Overuse of biases can close us off to relevant information, or we can even explain away something that does not fit within our worldview (you may also like to do some independent research on cognitive dissonance). When we overuse our biases, we become complacent and stunt our intellectual growth.
But it's not that easy. Research has shown that even psychologists who are aware of these biases have a hard time stopping them in their tracks. So what chance do laypeople have of reducing their biases and expanding their knowledge, especially on emotional topics that are likely to induce a lot of bias?
Let me be careful here, as I had someone read this and they said, "I'd probably think the same thing your friend did" and I want to reiterate that that is a completely fine thing to think - and something I think a lot of us would think! Those assumptions are so important to our survival because they make our understanding faster. What I caution against here is being unaware of those assumptions. If we aren't aware of what connotations we assign to words, or biases we have toward people/places/things/ideas, etc., we react mindlessly - i.e. we hear, we do not listen. If we are aware of those assumptions, we can check our understanding: "Wait, are you saying I'll become intolerant and not care about social issues?!" This gives us a chance to move forward productively.
Ask yourself, "Am I listening, or hearing?"
Use your gut response.
If you feel angry, or immediately want to jump in and talk over someone, or you think "wow s/he is stupid!" there's an important gut feeling that's alerting you to something you're thinking. What is it? Are you defensive because this person is saying something that scares you, or deviates from your beliefs? Are you fearful of having your identity challenged if those beliefs are challenged? Are you simply afraid of being wrong? What does being wrong mean to you?...
It's also important to think about what connotations (or additional meanings) are also attached to the words or phrasing people have used. Because our brains have such incredible connectivity, one word can automatically 'jumpstart' a whole lot of ideas and meanings based on our understanding of that word, examples of it in daily life, experiences, etc. Just like how "conservative" had connotations beyond the word's definition for my friend.
(What's funny here is that we all - myself included - want to turn our thoughts to the other person and how they're wrong... Forget the other person - this is about YOU!)
There are so many questions you can reflect on - but if your gut response is similar to those listed above, chances are you will cease to listen, and simply just hear.
Then, you hear to respond, instead of listening to learn.
(Again, I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong, or you don't have a right to defend your views, or think that someone else is 'stupid'... I'm trying to alert you to the fact that these responses can also be perceived on another level. They are a window into your unconscious and paying attention to them can change how you respond to other people and their views)
This is easily applicable to political issues like the Jordan Peterson interview example. If we are defensive and biased without examining those biases, our hearing does nothing to further a positive outcome. Listening, on the other hand, allows us to learn and work together to build a better future. Listening, hopefully, allows us to overcome defensiveness and build compassion, which is more productive for problem-solving (and avoids in-group/out-group polarisation issues).
The same thing applies to the example I gave with my friend. If you are hearing (or react) with bias to something your friend says - whether it's a description, a political statement, a belief, or an idea - you're not likely to listen to them (i.e. understand them). If their beliefs or ideas seem to oppose your own, this could mean the beginning of the end of a friendship. It sounds dramatic, but I have seen and experienced this myself. Assumptions made from hearing create mental ideas of people that we then use to interpret everything they say - eventually you stop seeing the best in your friends, and start interpreting things negatively.
(I'm reminded of a post I wrote about frivolous expenses that recounts an issue that arose with one of my best friends, which describes this process in more detail)
Next time you're involved in a discussion with someone whose beliefs/ideas differ from your own, notice your reactions. They'll tell you something about your biases, which will help you be mindful of whether you're listening or hearing. The distinction between these two things can change the nature of relationships on both an individual level and a societal level - and that can either help us avoid, or bring about, another World War.
(It might sound dramatic - again - but Rome wasn't built in a day, and the lead-up to war is a slow one...Politically our landscape is very divided and built on uncompassionate hearing, not listening)
Sophie Gray
Think Gray Psychotherapy
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
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