Is therapy a luxury or is that fear talking? (Part 3: Fear of success)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson.
This quote is something I never really understood until recently. Why would success frighten me? Why would being great at something stop me from doing it? If I was brilliant, why would I shrink away from that?
I was thinking very superficially; i.e. success is good, therefore I want to succeed, therefore I fear failure. Fortunately our brains are highly complex meaning-making 'machines' that are capable of thinking much deeper than this and learning from our experiences, so whether we know it or not ('or not', in my case) we have intricate, multilayered beliefs about what success means. Now, some people may not see success as 'scary' or 'wrong' to the same extent as others; those who have been through trauma or emotional neglect may find it scarier to be brilliant than those who have been emotionally supported, because they've spent their whole lives learning that they aren't important and have no right to succeed. Despite the different intensities of this fear of success, it is common to all of us.
The thing is, being successful means you have something to lose. Something is on the line - it might be money, or your business, or your identity, reputation, relationships... the list is long! When you've worked hard for something, the idea that it won't last forever is terrifying. But nothing lasts forever; even if you stay successful (by your own definition) right until your death, you still die. This is why humans create larger maps of meaning to belong to something bigger than the material world. We like to feel as though our achievements, our 'self', or some other part of our essence can live on.
...But I digress... All because my partner and I got stuck in (yet another) discussion about religion this morning!
The idea that success is scary because you have something to lose is true, but not groundbreaking.
This is why I want to discuss the idea that success means you have wasted time.
(Please note, I am talking more toward succeeding in therapy, not necessarily in other areas of life. It is also important that you consider what 'success in therapy' would mean to you - it's outside the scope of this blog to discuss the intricacies of this definition)
Back on point... success = wasted time. This thought comes from a session I had with a client a few years ago, right at the beginning of our time together, when they said something like, "if I manage to change and become happier, that means it was a possibility all along and I have wasted years being unhappy with the belief that it could never change".
(Just FYI, this client has given me permission to share this)
How many things in your life do you believe 'are they way they are'? How much about yourself do you believe just 'is the way it is'? Sometimes we have lived our life holding onto a belief that seems like it's an unarguable truth. What's interesting about these truths is that we all have different truths about similar things, depending on our life experiences. Think about your beliefs about relationships, for example... (we'll break it into two simple 'truths')... Some people believe that you can partner with someone for life and enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship, while others believe that all marriages eventually end in unhappiness, even if they don't end in divorce. People from both of those camps will tell you that it's 'just the way the world works' but, depending on your experience, you'll agree with one and think the other is silly/narrow-minded/etc.
So it almost goes without saying that the things you hold as truths are not 'true' at all - they are belief systems developed by that wonderfully complex organ that makes meaning from the world.
(Yep, I mean your brain, but doesn't that sound fancier?)
Take this and apply it to beliefs about yourself. Are you destined to be unhappy? To be anxious? To find love? To be loved? To be on the outside? To never belong? To fail? To suffer endlessly? To work hard and never get anywhere? To be unappreciated?
What if I told you that those beliefs are not truth, or fact, or 'how it's supposed to be'? What if I told you that you had a lot more power and choice than you believe you do?
You do. You really do.
The sh*t thing is that enacting choice here is really, really hard. I have another post similar to this, about choosing between the Devil you know and the Devil you don't. If you choose something different, like going to therapy, and you succeed in changing your life for the better, it can be really scary to think about how much time you may have 'lost' feeling unhappy (I'm using that as an all-encompassing term here). As a result of not wanting to be proven wrong, and/or confronting the fact that we have played a role in sabotaging ourselves, we may continue doing what we've always done and believing in 'truths' about 'how life is'.
Unfortunately this only serves to lengthen the amount of time we suffer.
To succeed in therapy (and in other areas of your life where you feel powerless) means to accept that we have sustained our own mental ill-health for a period of time; to accept that there was help and a way to change. That does not lay the blame entirely on you, nor am I judging, or attacking, you. I have been there myself - I did self-sabotage for many years, believing that I was destined to suffer with severe mental illness. I could not put into practice then what I can now because I wasn't ready for it then... I wasn't ready to succeed. I was holding onto beliefs that I couldn't be happy, and my world couldn't change, and (even though I was studying psychology) I thought that seeing a therapist was "useless for me".
(Turns out it wasn't; my therapist changed my life in ways I am still realising!)
Although I am not blaming you, I am asking you to be responsible for what happens going forward - accept that you have played a role in propagating your problems, however unintentionally, and choose not to waste any more time, because success, in whatever domain you choose, is achievable and transformative. You are capable, and I write this with the intention of reaching the part of you that says "Yes, you can"... However quiet it may be.
I know this may sound preachy, but I care. I really care, and I am deeply saddened by the thought of others' suffering, especially with self-doubt, depression, anxiety...
I will return to the quote I started with, "your playing small does not serve the world". Your playing small - running away from the possibility of becoming brilliant - does not serve the world, nor does it serve yourself.
"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking"... There is nothing enlightened about shrinking away from the world into your own personal hell. Of course, you learn to feel deeply, but only in one direction. Trying, and failing, is part of the process; as is succeeding and wishing you'd done it earlier. You can only do what you can do now - you can only control what happens going forward, and the choice to shrink or shine is yours. It is not easy, I will never pretend it is; there is no 'flicking' of a switch, there is a choice, day after day and minute after minute, to try.
"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same"... We are all waiting for someone to show us it can be done; to be given permission to succeed. Be that person.
Who are you to inspire greatness in others? Actually, who are you not to?
This quote is something I never really understood until recently. Why would success frighten me? Why would being great at something stop me from doing it? If I was brilliant, why would I shrink away from that?
I was thinking very superficially; i.e. success is good, therefore I want to succeed, therefore I fear failure. Fortunately our brains are highly complex meaning-making 'machines' that are capable of thinking much deeper than this and learning from our experiences, so whether we know it or not ('or not', in my case) we have intricate, multilayered beliefs about what success means. Now, some people may not see success as 'scary' or 'wrong' to the same extent as others; those who have been through trauma or emotional neglect may find it scarier to be brilliant than those who have been emotionally supported, because they've spent their whole lives learning that they aren't important and have no right to succeed. Despite the different intensities of this fear of success, it is common to all of us.
The thing is, being successful means you have something to lose. Something is on the line - it might be money, or your business, or your identity, reputation, relationships... the list is long! When you've worked hard for something, the idea that it won't last forever is terrifying. But nothing lasts forever; even if you stay successful (by your own definition) right until your death, you still die. This is why humans create larger maps of meaning to belong to something bigger than the material world. We like to feel as though our achievements, our 'self', or some other part of our essence can live on.
...But I digress... All because my partner and I got stuck in (yet another) discussion about religion this morning!
The idea that success is scary because you have something to lose is true, but not groundbreaking.
This is why I want to discuss the idea that success means you have wasted time.
(Please note, I am talking more toward succeeding in therapy, not necessarily in other areas of life. It is also important that you consider what 'success in therapy' would mean to you - it's outside the scope of this blog to discuss the intricacies of this definition)
Back on point... success = wasted time. This thought comes from a session I had with a client a few years ago, right at the beginning of our time together, when they said something like, "if I manage to change and become happier, that means it was a possibility all along and I have wasted years being unhappy with the belief that it could never change".
(Just FYI, this client has given me permission to share this)
How many things in your life do you believe 'are they way they are'? How much about yourself do you believe just 'is the way it is'? Sometimes we have lived our life holding onto a belief that seems like it's an unarguable truth. What's interesting about these truths is that we all have different truths about similar things, depending on our life experiences. Think about your beliefs about relationships, for example... (we'll break it into two simple 'truths')... Some people believe that you can partner with someone for life and enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship, while others believe that all marriages eventually end in unhappiness, even if they don't end in divorce. People from both of those camps will tell you that it's 'just the way the world works' but, depending on your experience, you'll agree with one and think the other is silly/narrow-minded/etc.
So it almost goes without saying that the things you hold as truths are not 'true' at all - they are belief systems developed by that wonderfully complex organ that makes meaning from the world.
(Yep, I mean your brain, but doesn't that sound fancier?)
Take this and apply it to beliefs about yourself. Are you destined to be unhappy? To be anxious? To find love? To be loved? To be on the outside? To never belong? To fail? To suffer endlessly? To work hard and never get anywhere? To be unappreciated?
What if I told you that those beliefs are not truth, or fact, or 'how it's supposed to be'? What if I told you that you had a lot more power and choice than you believe you do?
You do. You really do.
The sh*t thing is that enacting choice here is really, really hard. I have another post similar to this, about choosing between the Devil you know and the Devil you don't. If you choose something different, like going to therapy, and you succeed in changing your life for the better, it can be really scary to think about how much time you may have 'lost' feeling unhappy (I'm using that as an all-encompassing term here). As a result of not wanting to be proven wrong, and/or confronting the fact that we have played a role in sabotaging ourselves, we may continue doing what we've always done and believing in 'truths' about 'how life is'.
Unfortunately this only serves to lengthen the amount of time we suffer.
To succeed in therapy (and in other areas of your life where you feel powerless) means to accept that we have sustained our own mental ill-health for a period of time; to accept that there was help and a way to change. That does not lay the blame entirely on you, nor am I judging, or attacking, you. I have been there myself - I did self-sabotage for many years, believing that I was destined to suffer with severe mental illness. I could not put into practice then what I can now because I wasn't ready for it then... I wasn't ready to succeed. I was holding onto beliefs that I couldn't be happy, and my world couldn't change, and (even though I was studying psychology) I thought that seeing a therapist was "useless for me".
(Turns out it wasn't; my therapist changed my life in ways I am still realising!)
Although I am not blaming you, I am asking you to be responsible for what happens going forward - accept that you have played a role in propagating your problems, however unintentionally, and choose not to waste any more time, because success, in whatever domain you choose, is achievable and transformative. You are capable, and I write this with the intention of reaching the part of you that says "Yes, you can"... However quiet it may be.
I know this may sound preachy, but I care. I really care, and I am deeply saddened by the thought of others' suffering, especially with self-doubt, depression, anxiety...
I will return to the quote I started with, "your playing small does not serve the world". Your playing small - running away from the possibility of becoming brilliant - does not serve the world, nor does it serve yourself.
"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking"... There is nothing enlightened about shrinking away from the world into your own personal hell. Of course, you learn to feel deeply, but only in one direction. Trying, and failing, is part of the process; as is succeeding and wishing you'd done it earlier. You can only do what you can do now - you can only control what happens going forward, and the choice to shrink or shine is yours. It is not easy, I will never pretend it is; there is no 'flicking' of a switch, there is a choice, day after day and minute after minute, to try.
"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same"... We are all waiting for someone to show us it can be done; to be given permission to succeed. Be that person.
Who are you to inspire greatness in others? Actually, who are you not to?
Sophie Gray
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
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