Does frivolous expense = frivolous person?
This post is inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend, who (luckily) gave me permission to share the story (and, even luckier for me, was brave enough to come and speak to me about what had happened, instead of risking losing the friendship!). We'll call her J.
Where it started...
J and I were speaking about priorities and where we choose to put our money/time/energy and I made a comment that, in my opinion, having your nails done is an unnecessary expense. Now, J enjoys having her nails done (they look much, much nicer than my half bitten, been-playing-in-the-dirt-with-my-son nails!) and this expense is written into her budget because it's important to her. I knew this about J, but didn't think anything of my comment because she is very confident, knows who she is, and is proud of it - as she should be, she's a fantastic person who has worked very hard in every aspect of her life. I assumed that my opinion on this matter wouldn't carry much weight, and didn't even think that she would take my comment as judgement of her entire character, which was very, very silly of me!
(and I have the audacity to call myself a therapist...)
J and I had never encountered something like this before; of course, we had different opinions on certain topics, but because they were usually political/philosophical/etc there was a sense of separation from topic to self. This difference in opinion re "the nails" was close to home - "the nails" was directly relevant to J's identity, on many levels.
What happened next?
As you've probably guessed, J internalised my comment and felt I was judging her character... she was concerned that I thought she was a frivolous PERSON. That judgement encompasses other traits that we associate with a 'frivolous person', including being disorganised, flighty, uncommitted, undisciplined... and so on.
J is, quite literally, the LEAST frivolous person I know - she is committed, empowered, organised (she would put the owner of Kikki K to shame) and incredibly disciplined. So you can imagine how detrimental this perceived judgement was coming from a good friend of hers; she was questioning her entire identity as seen through my eyes, which is not a nice feeling. She began to disengage with me a little, which led me to question if I had done anything. Unfortunately, as I considered my comment a 'throwaway' one, I barely remembered saying it, which stopped me from picking up the phone and apologising profusely!
THAT conversation...
Have you ever got a message that sent your heart right up to your throat and started a major panic? Well, that's how I felt when I received the texts from J about this topic... she discussed her goals and priorities for the coming months and how she'd made choices about how to bring her life back into balance, one of these being defining her budget and making space for "even 'frivolous' expenses (e.g. nails)". I felt as though she was justifying this to me, which I felt was ridiculous because who am I to have a say on what someone else chooses to do with their time and money? The only person who had to be happy with her choices in this scenario was J!
I immediately called her, nearly crying... we spoke for a good 45 minutes
(although the last 30 was unrelated to the initial topic... it's how we roll)
The point?
I could say that the point of this is "don't say things that could insult people" but the reality of life is that we all have different priorities/values/beliefs, and I personally think that being able to understand and accept one another, and navigate where we disagree, is really important. Also, this story is more about smaller instances of disagreement among friends, not larger issues of discrimination/racism, etc. So, the point of this particular story is more to do with:
1) When you feel insulted, can you be more intrinsically mindful? Instead of directing your focus on the person who wronged you, direct your focus on yourself and look at what other meaning you're attaching. J's brain had immediately connected 'frivolous' with a host of other traits that she perceived negatively. Thus, the comment about nails turned into an assessment of her whole character that wasn't in line with J's self-perception, or ideal self. If your interpretation of something explodes into a giant mind map of associated traits, of course your anger level will rise exponentially... you start to become insulted at what you perceive is an assessment of your whole character, when it may not be.
(I know this is focused on J, not me. I want to make it clear that I am not trying to shift responsibility - I am in the wrong for saying something to my friend that diminished something she finds value in. That was a mistake, not a deliberate attempt to hurt her. Unfortunately, it's not very useful to focus on other people when we have emotions because it's rare that they can 'fix' them for us. Because J and I got down to the point we could talk about the actual problem. Had I just apologised for saying I thought it was frivolous, that wouldn't have quelled the little voice in her head that said "is it ok for my priorities to be in this order?". My comment didn't start that voice, it was a concern she already had that my comment hooked in to, giving it power. If that doesn't make sense, please get in touch to chat!)
2) Different values are ok! My honest opinion is that having my nails done is a frivolous purchase - this conversation hasn't changed that. Nails done well look amazing and beautiful and I completely understand why people spend money on them. I, personally, would mess them up in a day - I bite my cuticles, I do washing up twice a day, have 2 kids and a puppy... the list goes on and on! J doesn't have these problems, ergo, her investment makes sense.
(Did I just accidentally put my children in a 'problem' category? Oops... haha)
I, on the other hand, LOVE Black Milk leggings; I have 30 pairs of these insane printed leggings and have no desire to stop buying them. To J, who works in a traditionally corporate environment and also hates leggings, these purchases are frivolous. If your friends don't value the same things you do, it can feel like a personal attack on your identity. It may be (which sucks) or it may just be that they don't like it for themselves. We are different, we value different things, and that doesn't need to be a reason to end a friendship or spark judgement about our choices.
3) No one is perfect! I made a mistake... everyone makes mistakes, but when we attach malicious intent to them we make the mistake of generalising that maliciousness to someone's character. That brings up the same issue I've spoken about in this story. People (for the most part) deserve the benefit of the doubt, especially when they're close to you.
This is why I am such a strong believer in being mindful of my reactions and what I think people are saying about me, as well as examining the implicit 'rules' that I unconsciously live by. Also, communicate! Have a think - has anything happened to you lately that could be made better by airing these assumptions and talking to the people involved? Your brain can come up with a million ways to make it worse, trust me, I'm an expert at that.
Often what you think people are saying is not what they mean - just as you can't see into their mind, they can't see into yours!
Where it started...
J and I were speaking about priorities and where we choose to put our money/time/energy and I made a comment that, in my opinion, having your nails done is an unnecessary expense. Now, J enjoys having her nails done (they look much, much nicer than my half bitten, been-playing-in-the-dirt-with-my-son nails!) and this expense is written into her budget because it's important to her. I knew this about J, but didn't think anything of my comment because she is very confident, knows who she is, and is proud of it - as she should be, she's a fantastic person who has worked very hard in every aspect of her life. I assumed that my opinion on this matter wouldn't carry much weight, and didn't even think that she would take my comment as judgement of her entire character, which was very, very silly of me!
(and I have the audacity to call myself a therapist...)
J and I had never encountered something like this before; of course, we had different opinions on certain topics, but because they were usually political/philosophical/etc there was a sense of separation from topic to self. This difference in opinion re "the nails" was close to home - "the nails" was directly relevant to J's identity, on many levels.
What happened next?
As you've probably guessed, J internalised my comment and felt I was judging her character... she was concerned that I thought she was a frivolous PERSON. That judgement encompasses other traits that we associate with a 'frivolous person', including being disorganised, flighty, uncommitted, undisciplined... and so on.
J is, quite literally, the LEAST frivolous person I know - she is committed, empowered, organised (she would put the owner of Kikki K to shame) and incredibly disciplined. So you can imagine how detrimental this perceived judgement was coming from a good friend of hers; she was questioning her entire identity as seen through my eyes, which is not a nice feeling. She began to disengage with me a little, which led me to question if I had done anything. Unfortunately, as I considered my comment a 'throwaway' one, I barely remembered saying it, which stopped me from picking up the phone and apologising profusely!
THAT conversation...
Have you ever got a message that sent your heart right up to your throat and started a major panic? Well, that's how I felt when I received the texts from J about this topic... she discussed her goals and priorities for the coming months and how she'd made choices about how to bring her life back into balance, one of these being defining her budget and making space for "even 'frivolous' expenses (e.g. nails)". I felt as though she was justifying this to me, which I felt was ridiculous because who am I to have a say on what someone else chooses to do with their time and money? The only person who had to be happy with her choices in this scenario was J!
I immediately called her, nearly crying... we spoke for a good 45 minutes
(although the last 30 was unrelated to the initial topic... it's how we roll)
The point?
I could say that the point of this is "don't say things that could insult people" but the reality of life is that we all have different priorities/values/beliefs, and I personally think that being able to understand and accept one another, and navigate where we disagree, is really important. Also, this story is more about smaller instances of disagreement among friends, not larger issues of discrimination/racism, etc. So, the point of this particular story is more to do with:
1) When you feel insulted, can you be more intrinsically mindful? Instead of directing your focus on the person who wronged you, direct your focus on yourself and look at what other meaning you're attaching. J's brain had immediately connected 'frivolous' with a host of other traits that she perceived negatively. Thus, the comment about nails turned into an assessment of her whole character that wasn't in line with J's self-perception, or ideal self. If your interpretation of something explodes into a giant mind map of associated traits, of course your anger level will rise exponentially... you start to become insulted at what you perceive is an assessment of your whole character, when it may not be.
(I know this is focused on J, not me. I want to make it clear that I am not trying to shift responsibility - I am in the wrong for saying something to my friend that diminished something she finds value in. That was a mistake, not a deliberate attempt to hurt her. Unfortunately, it's not very useful to focus on other people when we have emotions because it's rare that they can 'fix' them for us. Because J and I got down to the point we could talk about the actual problem. Had I just apologised for saying I thought it was frivolous, that wouldn't have quelled the little voice in her head that said "is it ok for my priorities to be in this order?". My comment didn't start that voice, it was a concern she already had that my comment hooked in to, giving it power. If that doesn't make sense, please get in touch to chat!)
2) Different values are ok! My honest opinion is that having my nails done is a frivolous purchase - this conversation hasn't changed that. Nails done well look amazing and beautiful and I completely understand why people spend money on them. I, personally, would mess them up in a day - I bite my cuticles, I do washing up twice a day, have 2 kids and a puppy... the list goes on and on! J doesn't have these problems, ergo, her investment makes sense.
(Did I just accidentally put my children in a 'problem' category? Oops... haha)
I, on the other hand, LOVE Black Milk leggings; I have 30 pairs of these insane printed leggings and have no desire to stop buying them. To J, who works in a traditionally corporate environment and also hates leggings, these purchases are frivolous. If your friends don't value the same things you do, it can feel like a personal attack on your identity. It may be (which sucks) or it may just be that they don't like it for themselves. We are different, we value different things, and that doesn't need to be a reason to end a friendship or spark judgement about our choices.
3) No one is perfect! I made a mistake... everyone makes mistakes, but when we attach malicious intent to them we make the mistake of generalising that maliciousness to someone's character. That brings up the same issue I've spoken about in this story. People (for the most part) deserve the benefit of the doubt, especially when they're close to you.
This is why I am such a strong believer in being mindful of my reactions and what I think people are saying about me, as well as examining the implicit 'rules' that I unconsciously live by. Also, communicate! Have a think - has anything happened to you lately that could be made better by airing these assumptions and talking to the people involved? Your brain can come up with a million ways to make it worse, trust me, I'm an expert at that.
Often what you think people are saying is not what they mean - just as you can't see into their mind, they can't see into yours!
Sophie Gray
sophie.gray@thinkgray.com
www.thinkgray.com
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